Yesterday I deleted my Youtube account.
And the moment after I deleted it, I had mixed feelings about whether that was actually a good idea or not. Doing a quick search on Youtube I found preview images of my movies but upon clicking them, it would go to a page where at the top in red it said "this movie has been deleted". On my profile page, it read "this account has been closed." While I knew it would say that, I still felt surprised, and even a little disappointed that everything was gone.
There are some things that I wish I hadn't deleted, like my first recording of "Far Away" with the ukulele, or my Japanese interview with Takeshi. Those I think were memories more than just videos, and know I should have considered that more before I throwing them all out.
When I was a high school, when I tried to paint something I would always get really frustrated about half way though, and had a burning desire to destroy the work. Take a knife to the canvas, or cover it in black paint. Today I still have that compulsion, when things go wrong just to throw it all out and start over. But I found that as long as I didn't give up on it, it would always turn out ok. Sometimes even beautiful. Maybe I should have done the same this time; instead of destroy, just fix.
On the other hand though there's safety, something that I need to seriously consider more. Even today I thought about going through this diary and deleting any references to where I am. There are truly horrible people that exist in the world, and I can't give them any advantage. Can't tempt fate. Some of my older movies also definitely didn't reflect the kind of person I am, and I don't regret having those removed... But I do want to start fresh, writing entries or making movies is something that I really enjoy.
When I go to Japan in a couple of months, I want to be able to record my experiences, whether in the form of a diary of a movie, or even pictures. Moments in life all become memories, and there are some that I know I don't want to lose.
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I love this. :-) I did that once, lost 4-5 years of memories, by burning the pages. It was melancholy at best.
ReplyDeleteWe always do that don't we? Give up so easily on things that can be improved. But, sometimes we keep trying to fix something beyond repair. You never know until you know. Great post. :-)