Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Pay Attention
From yesterday's discussion section:
Sitting in a discussion section where you didn’t do the reading you’re discussing isn’t easy. There are only two options: 1) Don’t do anything. Pretend to be keenly and actively listening to the opinions of your classmates and GSI, furiously typing on your laptop to gain every juicy word flowing from their mouth. 2) Try and say something vaguely related, related enough to convince the hearer of your completion of the reading. Option 2 is dangerous, as in you could be caught, and made more of a fool than if you hadn’t said anything in the first place. But that’s also where the money is, the participation points.
Today I’m opting for option one, writing this entry whole creening my head up and down the table, making a face of mind interest and even slight fascination. Maybe she can see though it, but even if she can, hopefully she doesn’t care. That can’t be guaranteed though, she’s come this far through and she may just finish through.
Paying attention has been painfully hard lately, I think it's because of the simple fact that, I know even if do pay attention it's not going to do much to change anything. All of the homework for the semester has been turned in, and now it's only the exams that are in the way. The thing about the exams though is, even if you do a horrible or phenomenal job on them, it's not going to do much to change your overall grade. For my first linguistics class LING 240, if the next exam is anything like the last one it's not going to be good, and it's only worth 25%, which in exam terms isn't much.
For my other linguistics class, I'm painfully close to a B+, even an A-. Should I go for that one, or try and get something out of my first linguistics class?
Sitting in a discussion section where you didn’t do the reading you’re discussing isn’t easy. There are only two options: 1) Don’t do anything. Pretend to be keenly and actively listening to the opinions of your classmates and GSI, furiously typing on your laptop to gain every juicy word flowing from their mouth. 2) Try and say something vaguely related, related enough to convince the hearer of your completion of the reading. Option 2 is dangerous, as in you could be caught, and made more of a fool than if you hadn’t said anything in the first place. But that’s also where the money is, the participation points.
Today I’m opting for option one, writing this entry whole creening my head up and down the table, making a face of mind interest and even slight fascination. Maybe she can see though it, but even if she can, hopefully she doesn’t care. That can’t be guaranteed though, she’s come this far through and she may just finish through.
Paying attention has been painfully hard lately, I think it's because of the simple fact that, I know even if do pay attention it's not going to do much to change anything. All of the homework for the semester has been turned in, and now it's only the exams that are in the way. The thing about the exams though is, even if you do a horrible or phenomenal job on them, it's not going to do much to change your overall grade. For my first linguistics class LING 240, if the next exam is anything like the last one it's not going to be good, and it's only worth 25%, which in exam terms isn't much.
For my other linguistics class, I'm painfully close to a B+, even an A-. Should I go for that one, or try and get something out of my first linguistics class?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Entry Deleted
Yesterday I deleted my Youtube account.
And the moment after I deleted it, I had mixed feelings about whether that was actually a good idea or not. Doing a quick search on Youtube I found preview images of my movies but upon clicking them, it would go to a page where at the top in red it said "this movie has been deleted". On my profile page, it read "this account has been closed." While I knew it would say that, I still felt surprised, and even a little disappointed that everything was gone.
There are some things that I wish I hadn't deleted, like my first recording of "Far Away" with the ukulele, or my Japanese interview with Takeshi. Those I think were memories more than just videos, and know I should have considered that more before I throwing them all out.
When I was a high school, when I tried to paint something I would always get really frustrated about half way though, and had a burning desire to destroy the work. Take a knife to the canvas, or cover it in black paint. Today I still have that compulsion, when things go wrong just to throw it all out and start over. But I found that as long as I didn't give up on it, it would always turn out ok. Sometimes even beautiful. Maybe I should have done the same this time; instead of destroy, just fix.
On the other hand though there's safety, something that I need to seriously consider more. Even today I thought about going through this diary and deleting any references to where I am. There are truly horrible people that exist in the world, and I can't give them any advantage. Can't tempt fate. Some of my older movies also definitely didn't reflect the kind of person I am, and I don't regret having those removed... But I do want to start fresh, writing entries or making movies is something that I really enjoy.
When I go to Japan in a couple of months, I want to be able to record my experiences, whether in the form of a diary of a movie, or even pictures. Moments in life all become memories, and there are some that I know I don't want to lose.
And the moment after I deleted it, I had mixed feelings about whether that was actually a good idea or not. Doing a quick search on Youtube I found preview images of my movies but upon clicking them, it would go to a page where at the top in red it said "this movie has been deleted". On my profile page, it read "this account has been closed." While I knew it would say that, I still felt surprised, and even a little disappointed that everything was gone.
There are some things that I wish I hadn't deleted, like my first recording of "Far Away" with the ukulele, or my Japanese interview with Takeshi. Those I think were memories more than just videos, and know I should have considered that more before I throwing them all out.
When I was a high school, when I tried to paint something I would always get really frustrated about half way though, and had a burning desire to destroy the work. Take a knife to the canvas, or cover it in black paint. Today I still have that compulsion, when things go wrong just to throw it all out and start over. But I found that as long as I didn't give up on it, it would always turn out ok. Sometimes even beautiful. Maybe I should have done the same this time; instead of destroy, just fix.
On the other hand though there's safety, something that I need to seriously consider more. Even today I thought about going through this diary and deleting any references to where I am. There are truly horrible people that exist in the world, and I can't give them any advantage. Can't tempt fate. Some of my older movies also definitely didn't reflect the kind of person I am, and I don't regret having those removed... But I do want to start fresh, writing entries or making movies is something that I really enjoy.
When I go to Japan in a couple of months, I want to be able to record my experiences, whether in the form of a diary of a movie, or even pictures. Moments in life all become memories, and there are some that I know I don't want to lose.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
My Perspective
Perspective changes everything. When there's nothing happening in our lives, nothing truly significant, we get hopelessly lost in our own little worlds. When trivial problems that do occur, they appear as giants, blocking the sun and any hope of survival. For the past few months, my world has been college, its homework, exams, essays, or other similar things. Honestly, I can't even count the number of times I've literally cried over being too busy, having a paper due, or not being prepared for a test.
But these things are nothing. They're drops in an ocean of the real world, and I embarrass myself admitting that they scare me sometimes.
When I was in high school, during my sophomore year I took Algebra II. Algebra II is the first hard math that you take in high school, and I found it to be impossible to succeed. One day my teacher took away my test after I had run out of time and I was dumbfounded. How could anyone be so mean? On the way home on the bus I cried on the bus because I had faced something that I wasn't good at. Like a toddler who had lost a game.
Later that week, my biology lab partner Michael died in a car accident on the icy roads of Michigan not a mile from my home. He was 16. His family would never see him again, and here I had been, crying about a math grade that nobody would ever see or care about. Michael wasn't exactly a friend of mine, but after attending his visitation, seeing the face of youth in a coffin, it changed me. Now I knew what loss really looked like.
Recently, I've come to realize this again, how unimportant my "problems" with school really are. There are much more important things, and it's my wish to be continuously mindful of those.
But these things are nothing. They're drops in an ocean of the real world, and I embarrass myself admitting that they scare me sometimes.
When I was in high school, during my sophomore year I took Algebra II. Algebra II is the first hard math that you take in high school, and I found it to be impossible to succeed. One day my teacher took away my test after I had run out of time and I was dumbfounded. How could anyone be so mean? On the way home on the bus I cried on the bus because I had faced something that I wasn't good at. Like a toddler who had lost a game.
Later that week, my biology lab partner Michael died in a car accident on the icy roads of Michigan not a mile from my home. He was 16. His family would never see him again, and here I had been, crying about a math grade that nobody would ever see or care about. Michael wasn't exactly a friend of mine, but after attending his visitation, seeing the face of youth in a coffin, it changed me. Now I knew what loss really looked like.
Recently, I've come to realize this again, how unimportant my "problems" with school really are. There are much more important things, and it's my wish to be continuously mindful of those.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Decisions Decisions
This morning I was filling out forms and writing checks for my study abroad program. Pretty big checks, and the mother check of 16,950 USD hadn't even been written yet. And as I was checking the boxes on the appropriate forms and scratch blue ink to match the blue font on the checks, a thought came to me: Could I study abroad for just the fall semester, coming back to do the Winter term here.
Logically, are various, pretty significant advantages to the idea:
PROS:
Save around 10,000 dollars. (That's a lot of money)
Security of graduating on time
More relaxed, enjoyable Senior year.
But even as I weighed the advantages in my mind, my heart sank. While I know that going home would be the smart thing to do, something in me was disappointed. Cherry trees in Japan would be blooming in the spring. And I wouldn't see them.
What's the prince of an experience, what the monetary value can be attached to a memory?
CONS:
Miss potential memories, experiences, i.e. good times. (Winter is depressing)
Miss an opportunity to improve my Japanese...etc.
Be unable to visit Takeshi for months.
(Other various emotional reasons)
Through this debate, I know who the sides are: the Romantic and the Realist. The Romantic knows that when she gets to Japan that she'll probably have some difficulties, or course, but truly enjoy her experience, and not want it to end. Even with the summer program seven months wouldn't be enough.
The Realist knows that the smarter thing would be to go home early, for all of the various reasons above; money, time, etc. "You can't always get what you want"
After I get there and experience life for awhile, the answer will become clear to me, at least I think. But I can feel the two, the Romantic and the Realist, fighting within myself already.
Who should I follow?
Logically, are various, pretty significant advantages to the idea:
PROS:
Save around 10,000 dollars. (That's a lot of money)
Security of graduating on time
More relaxed, enjoyable Senior year.
But even as I weighed the advantages in my mind, my heart sank. While I know that going home would be the smart thing to do, something in me was disappointed. Cherry trees in Japan would be blooming in the spring. And I wouldn't see them.
What's the prince of an experience, what the monetary value can be attached to a memory?
CONS:
Miss potential memories, experiences, i.e. good times. (Winter is depressing)
Miss an opportunity to improve my Japanese...etc.
Be unable to visit Takeshi for months.
(Other various emotional reasons)
Through this debate, I know who the sides are: the Romantic and the Realist. The Romantic knows that when she gets to Japan that she'll probably have some difficulties, or course, but truly enjoy her experience, and not want it to end. Even with the summer program seven months wouldn't be enough.
The Realist knows that the smarter thing would be to go home early, for all of the various reasons above; money, time, etc. "You can't always get what you want"
After I get there and experience life for awhile, the answer will become clear to me, at least I think. But I can feel the two, the Romantic and the Realist, fighting within myself already.
Who should I follow?
Sunday, March 14, 2010
3 AM
Right now I feel so far from the person that i feel I should be. Feel so far from me.
Recently my feelings get crushed as spiderwebs do. They're transparent, not even seen by the observer until it's too late; just one touch and the whole thing is ripped down, have to be built up all over again. Truthfully, I hate myself like this. Hate it that an acquaintance, a friend, a boyfriend can say just one thing, not even say, just look, and the whole infrastructure falls to pieces. And when it starts to fall, there's no stopping it.
Through my fair complexion my face, cheeks and nose especially, flush bright red, and I can feel my eyes sting with heat. As if in an effort to stifle any coherent words, the throat tightens and mouth seals completely. Now I am a time bomb, there's going to be a messy explosion, it's just a matter of where. At this time if I'm in private I can let loose and cry myself into a blubbery stupor, but if it's not appropriate, if i have nowhere to hide, all I can do is try to save face until my chance comes. Sometimes I make it all the way until I get past the card-key lock of my dorm. And sometimes I don't, taking refuge behind a bathroom door, inside of a car.
The thing is, I know how I could do the same to others. You pick out a point they're sensitive about to begin with; something they don't have confidence in, and tap it, just enough to hurt. They'd be done.
When I cry I think it's because I'm angry. Angry that I have so much so say and not the voice to carry it; the energy has to go somewhere, and it's filtered into useless tears. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of person that, when challenged took up a stance to fight. But instead I turn my sword on myself.
And relish in the pain.
Recently my feelings get crushed as spiderwebs do. They're transparent, not even seen by the observer until it's too late; just one touch and the whole thing is ripped down, have to be built up all over again. Truthfully, I hate myself like this. Hate it that an acquaintance, a friend, a boyfriend can say just one thing, not even say, just look, and the whole infrastructure falls to pieces. And when it starts to fall, there's no stopping it.
Through my fair complexion my face, cheeks and nose especially, flush bright red, and I can feel my eyes sting with heat. As if in an effort to stifle any coherent words, the throat tightens and mouth seals completely. Now I am a time bomb, there's going to be a messy explosion, it's just a matter of where. At this time if I'm in private I can let loose and cry myself into a blubbery stupor, but if it's not appropriate, if i have nowhere to hide, all I can do is try to save face until my chance comes. Sometimes I make it all the way until I get past the card-key lock of my dorm. And sometimes I don't, taking refuge behind a bathroom door, inside of a car.
The thing is, I know how I could do the same to others. You pick out a point they're sensitive about to begin with; something they don't have confidence in, and tap it, just enough to hurt. They'd be done.
When I cry I think it's because I'm angry. Angry that I have so much so say and not the voice to carry it; the energy has to go somewhere, and it's filtered into useless tears. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of person that, when challenged took up a stance to fight. But instead I turn my sword on myself.
And relish in the pain.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Waiting Game
For the past few days I've had some thoughts that I've wanted to get down in a blog, said to myself "When I get back I'll get this down" and then failed to do so. Maybe three or four times.
With the end of the first half of the semester, homework and midterms have gotten out of hand. At least there's only one more week until Spring Break. Takeshi and I are going first back to my hometown, and then Chicago. Every time in the past when I've gone to Chicago, it's always been a day and a half: Church, sleep, pizza, TV, sleep, breakfast at diner, drive home. Which in and of itself isn't a bad schedule, but this time I think we're going to be there for a little while longer, and get to spend some money while we're at it; it's going to be fun.
On the kitten calendar hanging to my right there's a circled date on March 1st that reads; "Columbia Decision" for the study abroad program I want to attend. March 1st was the date that was posted for the decisions deadline before it was changed to... February 2nd, the day after the initial application deadline. What?
This sucks, now I don't even have a date to look forward to. Part of me wants to email them asking politely when students can expect notifications, and the other part of me thinks I should shut up and not draw any unneeded attention to myself. Overthinking? Perhaps. But since this semester has been less than desirable I'm waiting for any bit of good news that I can get. Looking forward to next year or to any summer opportunities would give me a boost that might get be through the next month and a half of school. Only a month and a half.
With the end of the first half of the semester, homework and midterms have gotten out of hand. At least there's only one more week until Spring Break. Takeshi and I are going first back to my hometown, and then Chicago. Every time in the past when I've gone to Chicago, it's always been a day and a half: Church, sleep, pizza, TV, sleep, breakfast at diner, drive home. Which in and of itself isn't a bad schedule, but this time I think we're going to be there for a little while longer, and get to spend some money while we're at it; it's going to be fun.
On the kitten calendar hanging to my right there's a circled date on March 1st that reads; "Columbia Decision" for the study abroad program I want to attend. March 1st was the date that was posted for the decisions deadline before it was changed to... February 2nd, the day after the initial application deadline. What?
This sucks, now I don't even have a date to look forward to. Part of me wants to email them asking politely when students can expect notifications, and the other part of me thinks I should shut up and not draw any unneeded attention to myself. Overthinking? Perhaps. But since this semester has been less than desirable I'm waiting for any bit of good news that I can get. Looking forward to next year or to any summer opportunities would give me a boost that might get be through the next month and a half of school. Only a month and a half.
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