This morning I woke up at 5:30 in incredible pain My tongue was on fire, or at least that's what it felt like. A few days ago I burned it on coffee, and on top of that I got a head cold. Now the burned parts don't feel like a burn, but like there's no skin separating the nerves from the outside. Pain.
At least this happened over winter break, should this have happened over school, it would have been more painful and I think a lot more embarrassing. Because I really can't talk that well. And what's possibly worse is I really can't eat either. At least eat anything that's good for me. Today I had milk, hot cereal, milk, and spaghetti to eat today, and cookies that were sent express delivery from Japan. (Love, the moment I can talk I'm sending you the biggest "thank you" I can muster, you're the best.) Those cookies were the best fucking cookies you could ever hope to taste in your life. They were shortbread cookies, with various fillings, peanut, chocolate, and lemon. So consequently, there was an internal conflict of whether it was better to avoid the pain and the cookies, or to go for it and suffer with
Naturally I went for it, and I'm glad I did, though perhaps my tongue isn't. But I would do it all over again. Oh how I would do it again. Why can't America make confectioneries like the rest of the world?
Been working on an art project recently, and I had to go and buy some glue today, which cost me a little over twenty dollars. All I wanted was glue but I ended up buying blank cards and varnish too, every time I go to an art supplies store that happens to me. At least I can make beautiful things with it, and then make people happy. That's what it's all for in the end anyway. How lucky I am, to have a talent that can make other people happy.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Pokemon Trainer
You were in my dream last night. We were at some sort of school for becoming Pokémon trainers. As for the school itself, all I remember was that it looked a lot like my middle school. Except there was a train inside so didn’t take so long to get from one end of the hall to the other. But the train was more like an elevator, except it moved to the side instead of going up and down.
You had an Espeon, I think, and I remember being jealous because I didn’t have a Pokémon, but your Espeon was nice and you let me scratch his ears. We rode the elevator-train thing together, and I noticed you were wearing really weird hat. We were then taking some sort of written test, and I thought it was really hard and I was wondering why we had to be tested on this kind of stuff...
Sometime later I think I went outside and I was talking to you about how badly I think I failed, but it was really beautiful out. We were in the suburbs, night was falling and the sky was a pretty sort of orange. There was an art fair or something going on, and a lot of people were putting their art on their front lawns. There were beautiful white sculptures made out of soap, and glass art that would sparkle blue in the setting sun. Somewhere else a zip line showed up, but I can’t remember its relation to the rest of the story.
You had an Espeon, I think, and I remember being jealous because I didn’t have a Pokémon, but your Espeon was nice and you let me scratch his ears. We rode the elevator-train thing together, and I noticed you were wearing really weird hat. We were then taking some sort of written test, and I thought it was really hard and I was wondering why we had to be tested on this kind of stuff...
Sometime later I think I went outside and I was talking to you about how badly I think I failed, but it was really beautiful out. We were in the suburbs, night was falling and the sky was a pretty sort of orange. There was an art fair or something going on, and a lot of people were putting their art on their front lawns. There were beautiful white sculptures made out of soap, and glass art that would sparkle blue in the setting sun. Somewhere else a zip line showed up, but I can’t remember its relation to the rest of the story.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Dead Horse
Christmas is over, thankfully, and now I only have one more holiday to go until this "Holiday Season is finally done and over with. Of course that would be New Years. Normally, I end up tagging along with my brother to some party that he's been invited to. Last year I actually got invited to a party myself, and while that ended up being a lot of fun, I don't think that I've done enough to keep in touch with people for that sort of thing to happen again. There's still hope though for something last minute. We'll see.
Just a second ago I caught myself checking Facebook for the 20th time today, expecting something new. But the thing is, i never write on people's walls, so I don't know why I would expect a reply to come out of nowhere. From here on out I have to make more of an effort to connect with people, instead of expecting them to come to me, it's a bad habit of mine, but it's an easy one to fall into.
This year's Christmas was one of the worst I've ever had, and I don't say that to be moody or depressing, but it truly was. With my Dad, my grandparents, and my brother, we walked through the motions of what we've done for Christmas for most of my childhood, trying with all our effort to make it work. But it's useless; we're beating a dead horse. Things aren't the same, and they never will be.
Why we work so hard to try and return to the past is beyond me. There will never again be a Christmas like the one I grew up with, and to be honest, while the Christmas Past of my childhood was good, it's time for all of us to move on. Things are different now. Mom and Dad have gotten a divorce, I have a boyfriend, and I'm more independent than I've ever been before.
When we were "doing" Christmas, I couldn't help but think that I am so glad I'm going to be in Japan at this time next year. While I know that it's not good for me, I want to run away far from here. Far from this empty hole of a town. And I think it would be good for both of my parents to do the same.
My rant is done for tonight. One of my goals for the upcoming year is to update my blog more frequently, and this time, about happy things too, I promise. After all, there's more to a "wedding" than drama alone.
Just a second ago I caught myself checking Facebook for the 20th time today, expecting something new. But the thing is, i never write on people's walls, so I don't know why I would expect a reply to come out of nowhere. From here on out I have to make more of an effort to connect with people, instead of expecting them to come to me, it's a bad habit of mine, but it's an easy one to fall into.
This year's Christmas was one of the worst I've ever had, and I don't say that to be moody or depressing, but it truly was. With my Dad, my grandparents, and my brother, we walked through the motions of what we've done for Christmas for most of my childhood, trying with all our effort to make it work. But it's useless; we're beating a dead horse. Things aren't the same, and they never will be.
Why we work so hard to try and return to the past is beyond me. There will never again be a Christmas like the one I grew up with, and to be honest, while the Christmas Past of my childhood was good, it's time for all of us to move on. Things are different now. Mom and Dad have gotten a divorce, I have a boyfriend, and I'm more independent than I've ever been before.
When we were "doing" Christmas, I couldn't help but think that I am so glad I'm going to be in Japan at this time next year. While I know that it's not good for me, I want to run away far from here. Far from this empty hole of a town. And I think it would be good for both of my parents to do the same.
My rant is done for tonight. One of my goals for the upcoming year is to update my blog more frequently, and this time, about happy things too, I promise. After all, there's more to a "wedding" than drama alone.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Home
You can never go home again.
For Thanksgiving I took the train from Ann Arbor to Chicago and spent Thursday much in the same fashion that I had last year, with dinner and a show. We go to a convention hall somewhere in Chicago where they hold this Thanksgiving special of a buffet and a broadway show. Both the show and the food were good, in that aspect I can't at all complain, but Thanksgiving feels so empty now. With my family gone. Well, I can't say gone, most of them are still here for now, but broken.
All I can remember is how the holidays used to be, and the stark constrast of what they're like now as opposed to nefore suprises me every year, despite the fact that by now I should be used to it.
When I was growing up, we always had Thanksgiving at our house. Uncle Jimmy would always show up just a little bit before everyone was just about ready and waiting to eat, having sunglasses but no helmet after coming on his Harley from Chicago to Michigan. Wearing a leather jacket and either a Bears or Bulls shirt, his appearance matched that of the classic "badass", but never acted like one around the family. Being over six feet tall, my head never reached above his chest; he would nearly squeeze the breath out of me whenever he hugged me, saying "Mercy mercy mercy", whatever that meant. When he thought nobody was looking, he would sneak some food to my dog, and as a result he had a friend for life. My Grandpa John would make some sort of joke, and I would laugh until I was pink in the face and gasping for air all over again. Really it was a wonder I got through it all alive.
Both Uncle Jimmy and Grandpa John are dead now, and my mother and father are divorced. There will never be another Thanksgiving with them again.
When I came back from Chicago, I walked into the house, and again my own house suprised me. Most of the furniture was still gone from when my father left, it was dark, and cold, and when I expected Maggie to come, tail wagging and nearly beside herself with excitement, there was nothing. "Oh yeah, she's with Dad..." Where my room used to be, there's now just a plain room.
There is nothing in this town for me anymore, and for a moment, I am happy to know that come next year, I should be a world away. More than ever before, I think I realize that I have to make my own life, and that's starting right now.
My home is gone, and I can never go back.
For Thanksgiving I took the train from Ann Arbor to Chicago and spent Thursday much in the same fashion that I had last year, with dinner and a show. We go to a convention hall somewhere in Chicago where they hold this Thanksgiving special of a buffet and a broadway show. Both the show and the food were good, in that aspect I can't at all complain, but Thanksgiving feels so empty now. With my family gone. Well, I can't say gone, most of them are still here for now, but broken.
All I can remember is how the holidays used to be, and the stark constrast of what they're like now as opposed to nefore suprises me every year, despite the fact that by now I should be used to it.
When I was growing up, we always had Thanksgiving at our house. Uncle Jimmy would always show up just a little bit before everyone was just about ready and waiting to eat, having sunglasses but no helmet after coming on his Harley from Chicago to Michigan. Wearing a leather jacket and either a Bears or Bulls shirt, his appearance matched that of the classic "badass", but never acted like one around the family. Being over six feet tall, my head never reached above his chest; he would nearly squeeze the breath out of me whenever he hugged me, saying "Mercy mercy mercy", whatever that meant. When he thought nobody was looking, he would sneak some food to my dog, and as a result he had a friend for life. My Grandpa John would make some sort of joke, and I would laugh until I was pink in the face and gasping for air all over again. Really it was a wonder I got through it all alive.
Both Uncle Jimmy and Grandpa John are dead now, and my mother and father are divorced. There will never be another Thanksgiving with them again.
When I came back from Chicago, I walked into the house, and again my own house suprised me. Most of the furniture was still gone from when my father left, it was dark, and cold, and when I expected Maggie to come, tail wagging and nearly beside herself with excitement, there was nothing. "Oh yeah, she's with Dad..." Where my room used to be, there's now just a plain room.
There is nothing in this town for me anymore, and for a moment, I am happy to know that come next year, I should be a world away. More than ever before, I think I realize that I have to make my own life, and that's starting right now.
My home is gone, and I can never go back.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Choo Choo
This semester has been a train wreck.
Well, not completely. This semester I've figured out a lot of things I think, and now more than ever I have a direction in life, which I suppose in an accomplishment. But I hate the feeling when you can't seem to keep things under control. There's this terrible sensation that I'm living "paycheck to paycheck" in an academic sort of sense. Since I didn't study for my Chinese quiz today I had to skip class rather than fail. Not a big deal since they throw out three of the lowest or missed quizzes, but I can't keep doing that. Every week I say to myself that "this time, I'm going to be completely prepared" and ever single time I find myself frantically studying the morning of the quiz and barely passing off a respectable grade. And I hate that.
But I don't feel like I'm being lazy. Between conversation partners, applying for study abroad, my tutorship for Japanese, being an officer for JSA, it seems like actually doing the work for my classes is just filler, instead of being first priority. There are some aspects of that that say that's not such a bad thing, but I want a little more balance.
Shit, there's a lab today that's due at 5 that I haven't started yet.
Well, not completely. This semester I've figured out a lot of things I think, and now more than ever I have a direction in life, which I suppose in an accomplishment. But I hate the feeling when you can't seem to keep things under control. There's this terrible sensation that I'm living "paycheck to paycheck" in an academic sort of sense. Since I didn't study for my Chinese quiz today I had to skip class rather than fail. Not a big deal since they throw out three of the lowest or missed quizzes, but I can't keep doing that. Every week I say to myself that "this time, I'm going to be completely prepared" and ever single time I find myself frantically studying the morning of the quiz and barely passing off a respectable grade. And I hate that.
But I don't feel like I'm being lazy. Between conversation partners, applying for study abroad, my tutorship for Japanese, being an officer for JSA, it seems like actually doing the work for my classes is just filler, instead of being first priority. There are some aspects of that that say that's not such a bad thing, but I want a little more balance.
Shit, there's a lab today that's due at 5 that I haven't started yet.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Ketchup
Ugh, my whole... body hurts. This fall I joined an intramural soccer team and on Friday night we had a double-header, two back to back games, and then yesterday I participated in "Field Day" for Japan Student Association and now I can barely move. Maybe as the day goes on I'll get more limber, but even sitting in my plush office chair and typing out this entry is almost painful.
Soccer is a lot of fun, I'm terrible at it, and not much of an asset to the team, but it's fun. Actually i don't think that I've played soccer since gym class in middle school, but luckily for the me the game is pretty straight forward: Run run run run run run run run run pass the ball run run run swear as the other team makes a goal run run pass the ball run run run don't try and shoot pass the ball. As long as you've got that down, you're golden.
Today I was eating brunch in the east quad cafeteria and realized that I depend on ketchup as a staple food. There are so many foods that *require* ketchup including but not limited to:
- Any sort of fried potato.
- Actually almost any American food that's fried.
- Scrambled eggs or anything that contains scrambled eggs, such as a breakfast burrito, etc.
- Ground beef in any form
- Hot dogs, or any related sausage
- Veggie meats in any form
- Macaroni and cheese
Americans need ketchup, it's not a condiment, it's a necessity. Try and eat any of the above foods without ketchup and it's just sort of, disappointing. You try and enjoy it but you can't stop thinking "Damn I wish I had some ketchup" and then your whole meal is ruined. One of the saddest things in the world is in the cafeteria when the big box of Heinz ketchup runs out after you've already gotten your food. And the weird thing is, normally i don't pay much attention to brands, but I can tell if a ketchup is from Heinz or Hunts, and believe me the latter leaves much to be desired.
During my only free day of the week I choose to spend it watching random videos on Youtube instead of getting work done...:B
Soccer is a lot of fun, I'm terrible at it, and not much of an asset to the team, but it's fun. Actually i don't think that I've played soccer since gym class in middle school, but luckily for the me the game is pretty straight forward: Run run run run run run run run run pass the ball run run run swear as the other team makes a goal run run pass the ball run run run don't try and shoot pass the ball. As long as you've got that down, you're golden.
Today I was eating brunch in the east quad cafeteria and realized that I depend on ketchup as a staple food. There are so many foods that *require* ketchup including but not limited to:
- Any sort of fried potato.
- Actually almost any American food that's fried.
- Scrambled eggs or anything that contains scrambled eggs, such as a breakfast burrito, etc.
- Ground beef in any form
- Hot dogs, or any related sausage
- Veggie meats in any form
- Macaroni and cheese
Americans need ketchup, it's not a condiment, it's a necessity. Try and eat any of the above foods without ketchup and it's just sort of, disappointing. You try and enjoy it but you can't stop thinking "Damn I wish I had some ketchup" and then your whole meal is ruined. One of the saddest things in the world is in the cafeteria when the big box of Heinz ketchup runs out after you've already gotten your food. And the weird thing is, normally i don't pay much attention to brands, but I can tell if a ketchup is from Heinz or Hunts, and believe me the latter leaves much to be desired.
During my only free day of the week I choose to spend it watching random videos on Youtube instead of getting work done...:B
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Halloween
Sunday night, but it's not a scary one. This should be a good week, simply because I don't have to do jack shit. Yesterday I went to a party, had too much fun and ended up sleeping in until like 2 o'clock this afternoon. After that I think I got up, took a shower, and then ended up sleeping some more. What a great Halloween.
There is though, one thing that's standing in my way for tomorrow, and that's a 10 page paper for my Creative Writing class. But when it comes to creative writing, to pages really isn't all that bad, I don't think I'll have any trouble with it. There's this story I think I want to write. About a little girl who falls down a well and see's what her life would be like if it was "perfect". The whole "falling down a well" thing has been done several times before, but I really can't think of another way to make the transition. Maybe she could fall asleep outside or something...
Daylight savings time made today seem longer than usual, even though I slept through over half of the day. Today it's November 1st, I can't believe it. Soon it'll be Thanksgiving break, and then I turn 20, and then I get to go home for winter break. Right now it's not even 7, and the sky is pitch dark.
That's winter I guess...
There is though, one thing that's standing in my way for tomorrow, and that's a 10 page paper for my Creative Writing class. But when it comes to creative writing, to pages really isn't all that bad, I don't think I'll have any trouble with it. There's this story I think I want to write. About a little girl who falls down a well and see's what her life would be like if it was "perfect". The whole "falling down a well" thing has been done several times before, but I really can't think of another way to make the transition. Maybe she could fall asleep outside or something...
Daylight savings time made today seem longer than usual, even though I slept through over half of the day. Today it's November 1st, I can't believe it. Soon it'll be Thanksgiving break, and then I turn 20, and then I get to go home for winter break. Right now it's not even 7, and the sky is pitch dark.
That's winter I guess...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Gym?
Day three without stopping. Now I feel like I'm on a roll, but if I say that I know that tomorrow or the day after I'll forget to write and the whole thing will have been a waste of breath. Today is Tuesday, one of the worst days of the week, but at least it's finished. Most of my homework, at least everything that I have to do, is now finished, and the only thing that I have to debate with now is whether or not to go to the gym.
Really I should stop thinking about it and just go. After I go I could say that I am glad that I did, I don't feel so tired, etc. But it's cold outside and I really am tired and... Well, and some other excuses.
At least next week is fall break. Finally. When I say Fall Break, I mean that there's no classes on Monday or Tuesday, but at least that's something. All I want to do is sleep all day, maybe I could save up my hours for the time that's coming ahead.
Ah, too sleepy, I lost to the gym. Maybe if I'm feeling really perky I can go tomorrow morning. My first class isn't until 11:00 after all.
We'll see how it goes.
Really I should stop thinking about it and just go. After I go I could say that I am glad that I did, I don't feel so tired, etc. But it's cold outside and I really am tired and... Well, and some other excuses.
At least next week is fall break. Finally. When I say Fall Break, I mean that there's no classes on Monday or Tuesday, but at least that's something. All I want to do is sleep all day, maybe I could save up my hours for the time that's coming ahead.
Ah, too sleepy, I lost to the gym. Maybe if I'm feeling really perky I can go tomorrow morning. My first class isn't until 11:00 after all.
We'll see how it goes.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Monkey Families
There's this Korean orange tea stuff that I absolutely adore. When I say "tea" you'd think of tea leaves or tea packets, but this stuff is different. Actually I don't even know if it's tea, but for now I'm calling it that. At least on the bottle it says "Honey Citron Tea" in English, and then some other things in Japanese and Korean that I can't read. Like a vat of jelly or something it comes in a huge jar. You take a couple of tablespoons full of what basically is orange goop and mix it with hot water to make the most delicious hot concoction you could ever imagine. How this stuff never made it to America I'll never know, I can only get it in the Asian market here in Ann Arbor. The first American company to catch on will be billionaires for sure. You can add a lot to make it really sweet, or just a little to flavor your hot water. Now I sound like a commercial, but I really like it.
Recently I've been doing a good job of keeping on top of things. At least I don't "think" I'll have to get up early tomorrow to play catchup. Tonight I'm memorizing the Chinese vocab for tomorrow's quiz, I can be proud that I'm doing it the night before instead of the morning of.
Even though I'm not as studious as I was last year, I think I can say that I'm a lot happier. So I'm going to get a B in Antrho because I would rather spend my time living my life than memorizing the different families and geneses and orders and kingdoms and species of some one hundred different monkeys. Whatever, as long as I don't get a C.
...Yeah, that would be bad.
Recently I've been doing a good job of keeping on top of things. At least I don't "think" I'll have to get up early tomorrow to play catchup. Tonight I'm memorizing the Chinese vocab for tomorrow's quiz, I can be proud that I'm doing it the night before instead of the morning of.
Even though I'm not as studious as I was last year, I think I can say that I'm a lot happier. So I'm going to get a B in Antrho because I would rather spend my time living my life than memorizing the different families and geneses and orders and kingdoms and species of some one hundred different monkeys. Whatever, as long as I don't get a C.
...Yeah, that would be bad.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Dorm Coffee
Today I woke up at like 12:30. Why do a lot of my blog entries start out like that? Maybe because it's the first fact of the day you have to face when you've slept through over half of it. Now I'm sucking on dorm coffee like it's water in an attempt to wake up and get something productive done today. Ever since I bought half and half the coffee that I make is now drinkable, and I'm very proud of that fact.
Looking at my last entries promise to write every day makes me smile, I think it's been over a month. When you get out of practice with something getting back into it seems harder than even starting in the first place. So if I'm going to write every day, instead of saying that I will I should just do it; the proof is in the pudding.
Sundays are awful. They're just the time that's before Monday, and a day when you have to do everything that you've neglected to do in the past two days. At least that's how it is for me. Today I have to do my study questions for Anthro/Bio, not my favorite class... All of my weekly homework for Chinese, and then my story for Creative Writing.
One thing that's interesting is that I see that people have been posting comments on my blog. Really didn't expect that. See, I thought it people would comment I would get some sort of email saying "Someone actually found your blog!" and then you could see the comment, but it looks like people for a long time now have just been popping in out.
Funny thing is is that there are a lot more comments on my Japanese blog than my English... Hm....
Looking at my last entries promise to write every day makes me smile, I think it's been over a month. When you get out of practice with something getting back into it seems harder than even starting in the first place. So if I'm going to write every day, instead of saying that I will I should just do it; the proof is in the pudding.
Sundays are awful. They're just the time that's before Monday, and a day when you have to do everything that you've neglected to do in the past two days. At least that's how it is for me. Today I have to do my study questions for Anthro/Bio, not my favorite class... All of my weekly homework for Chinese, and then my story for Creative Writing.
One thing that's interesting is that I see that people have been posting comments on my blog. Really didn't expect that. See, I thought it people would comment I would get some sort of email saying "Someone actually found your blog!" and then you could see the comment, but it looks like people for a long time now have just been popping in out.
Funny thing is is that there are a lot more comments on my Japanese blog than my English... Hm....
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Catching Up
Originally I had wanted to keep my English blog and my Japanese blog even, so I would refrain from writing in here. Apparently though the days where I want to write a Japanese entry are few and far between, so i though that to just stick to this one regularly might be better after all.
Since I wrote last a lot of things have happened, but I'm not going to take the time to record them all. Almost a month has passed since school started. Since then I've changed my schedule around more than once, and today I was thinking about doing it again before the add drop deadline passed, but that's probably not a good idea.
Up until now I've had a a bad day, or at least I don't feel good about the day that I've had. Maybe tonight will be better. At 5:00 I'm going to see a conversation partner, and then hang out with a friend. But I don't want to bring my sour attitude with me... Should I take a nap to try and brush it off? Maybe play some music? That's probably a good idea, though I have to get these questions done for Antro/Bio done tonight so that I'm free tomorrow to go and watch a movie.
Japanese depressed me today. We went over a video and apparently we were supposed to fill out the accompanying worksheet before class, so I had no answers to give in terms of discussion. One of my friends from Middlebury sat next to me, and I saw all of his answers neatly written out, while his homework was largely free of red ink.
Maybe I can write about how the evening went later.
Since I wrote last a lot of things have happened, but I'm not going to take the time to record them all. Almost a month has passed since school started. Since then I've changed my schedule around more than once, and today I was thinking about doing it again before the add drop deadline passed, but that's probably not a good idea.
Up until now I've had a a bad day, or at least I don't feel good about the day that I've had. Maybe tonight will be better. At 5:00 I'm going to see a conversation partner, and then hang out with a friend. But I don't want to bring my sour attitude with me... Should I take a nap to try and brush it off? Maybe play some music? That's probably a good idea, though I have to get these questions done for Antro/Bio done tonight so that I'm free tomorrow to go and watch a movie.
Japanese depressed me today. We went over a video and apparently we were supposed to fill out the accompanying worksheet before class, so I had no answers to give in terms of discussion. One of my friends from Middlebury sat next to me, and I saw all of his answers neatly written out, while his homework was largely free of red ink.
Maybe I can write about how the evening went later.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Going Back
When I compare my Japanese and my English blog, I realize that I've neglected my English blog a little bit. Since the time I've last posted, I've moved to college, passed my placement exam for Japanese, changed classes more than once, and got an opportunity to do tutoring for my old Japanese class. Things that are all really important to me.
Today's a Saturday. Game day for Michigan. We're going against Notre Dame. Sadly I couldn't care less; instead of going I met up with one of my conversation partners. This is the first girl I've ever had, and it's a really nice change of pace. She was so sweet, a pleasure to talk to really. Guys are great, don't get me wrong, but I'm afraid that before long I'll start to learn Japanese that isn't very, for lack of better words, girly. And even more so than in English, playing your part is important when speaking Japanese I think.
When I was organizing the files on my computer, I found my old poem that I wrote for last year's Children's Literature class. Someday I'm afraid I'm going to accidentally delete it or something, so I'm going to put it here for safe keeping. Looking at it now, it's not that good, but maybe it'll be nostalgic to look at it later.
Going Back
You children of the coming year
And untold, future day
Please listen closely to these words
And what I have to say
There was a time, not long ago
When I was just like you
But now I have just memories
Of things I used to do
There was this kind of magic
And it laced all that I saw
The Earth remained a beauty
And her features had no flaw
Her forest was my temple
With it's turrets arching high
Green leaves, so much like little bells
Would ring and sweep the sky
The sky was like an ocean
With a deep and virgin hue
Great clouds, like ships, would sail along
And race across it's blue
But colors now are fading
And my world's in shades of gray
And I've been wearing blinders
That restrict my sight today
Blinders that perhaps now shade
The things that I could see
Might lead me onward to the path
That matters most to me
Some animals would talk to me
And take food from my hand
They'd whisper in a language
Only I could understand
But now they are afraid of me
And speak to me no more
Time, I think, has known I've aged
And closed that magic door
My father was a noble king
My mother was a queen
My brother was a haughty duke
Both petulant and mean
But the king and queen are now divorced
They're faulted, and I see
The duke, who I had used to loath
Is now a friend to me
My family has changed with time
To strangers I don't know
The masks they wear hide faces still
They they have yet to show
With every year they're dying
And it pains me when I know
The place to which they're leaving to
Is somewhere I can't go
We travel by a place but once
Before life moves us on
To unknown journeys, grand and new
Until our time is gone
Remember every storybook
And fable, false or true
Remember every fairytale
And what it means to you
Come listen to the unheard songs
The whispers of the trees
And harmonize to melodies
That float along the breeze
Go taste the crimson morning sun
And smell the pallor moon
For these are kinds of memories
That leave you all too soon
We as adults cant do these things
With age there comes a cost
It's only when we're older
We can see all that we've lost
But memories are all they are
Just shadows of the past
And now I've come to understand
That nothing good can last
Your childhood is but a dream
From which, someday, you'll wake
And sometime soon you'll have to choose
The path you wish to take
At times I've tried to search for it
This heart that I now lack
But I've grown up and now I know
I'm never, Going Back.
Today's a Saturday. Game day for Michigan. We're going against Notre Dame. Sadly I couldn't care less; instead of going I met up with one of my conversation partners. This is the first girl I've ever had, and it's a really nice change of pace. She was so sweet, a pleasure to talk to really. Guys are great, don't get me wrong, but I'm afraid that before long I'll start to learn Japanese that isn't very, for lack of better words, girly. And even more so than in English, playing your part is important when speaking Japanese I think.
When I was organizing the files on my computer, I found my old poem that I wrote for last year's Children's Literature class. Someday I'm afraid I'm going to accidentally delete it or something, so I'm going to put it here for safe keeping. Looking at it now, it's not that good, but maybe it'll be nostalgic to look at it later.
Going Back
You children of the coming year
And untold, future day
Please listen closely to these words
And what I have to say
There was a time, not long ago
When I was just like you
But now I have just memories
Of things I used to do
There was this kind of magic
And it laced all that I saw
The Earth remained a beauty
And her features had no flaw
Her forest was my temple
With it's turrets arching high
Green leaves, so much like little bells
Would ring and sweep the sky
The sky was like an ocean
With a deep and virgin hue
Great clouds, like ships, would sail along
And race across it's blue
But colors now are fading
And my world's in shades of gray
And I've been wearing blinders
That restrict my sight today
Blinders that perhaps now shade
The things that I could see
Might lead me onward to the path
That matters most to me
Some animals would talk to me
And take food from my hand
They'd whisper in a language
Only I could understand
But now they are afraid of me
And speak to me no more
Time, I think, has known I've aged
And closed that magic door
My father was a noble king
My mother was a queen
My brother was a haughty duke
Both petulant and mean
But the king and queen are now divorced
They're faulted, and I see
The duke, who I had used to loath
Is now a friend to me
My family has changed with time
To strangers I don't know
The masks they wear hide faces still
They they have yet to show
With every year they're dying
And it pains me when I know
The place to which they're leaving to
Is somewhere I can't go
We travel by a place but once
Before life moves us on
To unknown journeys, grand and new
Until our time is gone
Remember every storybook
And fable, false or true
Remember every fairytale
And what it means to you
Come listen to the unheard songs
The whispers of the trees
And harmonize to melodies
That float along the breeze
Go taste the crimson morning sun
And smell the pallor moon
For these are kinds of memories
That leave you all too soon
We as adults cant do these things
With age there comes a cost
It's only when we're older
We can see all that we've lost
But memories are all they are
Just shadows of the past
And now I've come to understand
That nothing good can last
Your childhood is but a dream
From which, someday, you'll wake
And sometime soon you'll have to choose
The path you wish to take
At times I've tried to search for it
This heart that I now lack
But I've grown up and now I know
I'm never, Going Back.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
We're In The Money
And then there were eight.
Ok, so really seven, but I'm still counting my old conversation partner in there, who I haven't heard from this summer but I'm assuming he'll still be good for the upcoming year. That's not too bad, right? Say you see one a day, and then two on one day and then I'll be fine.
(As long as I keep saying that to myself.)
Not in a terribly great mood today. Sometimes all of this divorce shit just gets to me sometimes, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. But it's not a choice, it's just a fact of life. We all have to keep moving along, whether we want to or not. This time it's about money; but I guess it's always about money. College is expensive, and this year I'm having a hard time making sure that things fall into place. And it's not just tuition. There's books, clothes, and hanging out with friends occasionally. All of this costs money, even if you don't indulge.
But where can it come from? That's the million dollar question of these past few weeks, and nobody has an answer. At least the GI bill came through, that should help some, if everything is approved.
Whatever, everything will be ok; I just can't wait to get back to college so I can ignore this epic drama that's my parents divorce a little easier.
Ok, so really seven, but I'm still counting my old conversation partner in there, who I haven't heard from this summer but I'm assuming he'll still be good for the upcoming year. That's not too bad, right? Say you see one a day, and then two on one day and then I'll be fine.
(As long as I keep saying that to myself.)
Not in a terribly great mood today. Sometimes all of this divorce shit just gets to me sometimes, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. But it's not a choice, it's just a fact of life. We all have to keep moving along, whether we want to or not. This time it's about money; but I guess it's always about money. College is expensive, and this year I'm having a hard time making sure that things fall into place. And it's not just tuition. There's books, clothes, and hanging out with friends occasionally. All of this costs money, even if you don't indulge.
But where can it come from? That's the million dollar question of these past few weeks, and nobody has an answer. At least the GI bill came through, that should help some, if everything is approved.
Whatever, everything will be ok; I just can't wait to get back to college so I can ignore this epic drama that's my parents divorce a little easier.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Geeked Out
Last night I couldn't sleep at all so I took some medicine to help me fall asleep. This morning I woke up at around 12:30. (New record for the summer!) Though I've found that if you sleep in really late, the day goes by faster, which is nice. That, and more things are happening in the evening too, which gives me more incentive to stay up late and sleep in.
Right now I have six conversation partners. Six. And right now I'm starting to think that's too many, that I'll want to kick myself later for signing up for this, but I just can't help it. Getting a new conversation partner is like meeting a new friend and improving your language skills at the same time. So cool, and I get so geeked out about it. Actually I want one more for Chinese. Just one more wouldn't hurt, right? Right?
Recently I've been getting geeked out about language learning in general. Today I found some really neat sites for learning, and I was so excited you'd think it was Christmas or something. And it basically was, except a lot cheaper. Now I can listen to Japanese podcasts! Not podcasts about learning Japanese, but real Japanese podcasts. That's just the coolest thing ever! And now I can watch Japanese TV, and all of this is for free! "Oh, happy day!"
Just talking about it I get so psyched and it's like I'm a geek at a Star Trek convention. But I'm just so glad that I'm excited about what I'm learning in school. My future seems so bright, I think that I'll be a great professor someday. That's my dream, and I know I can get there.
My river painting is coming along, but right now it's still in the boring stage. Maybe if I let loose with the paints I can get it to flow a little more. My next mode of attack is to darken the land masses so that the sky and the river stand out more in comparison. Will it work? Only time will tell...
Right now I have six conversation partners. Six. And right now I'm starting to think that's too many, that I'll want to kick myself later for signing up for this, but I just can't help it. Getting a new conversation partner is like meeting a new friend and improving your language skills at the same time. So cool, and I get so geeked out about it. Actually I want one more for Chinese. Just one more wouldn't hurt, right? Right?
Recently I've been getting geeked out about language learning in general. Today I found some really neat sites for learning, and I was so excited you'd think it was Christmas or something. And it basically was, except a lot cheaper. Now I can listen to Japanese podcasts! Not podcasts about learning Japanese, but real Japanese podcasts. That's just the coolest thing ever! And now I can watch Japanese TV, and all of this is for free! "Oh, happy day!"
Just talking about it I get so psyched and it's like I'm a geek at a Star Trek convention. But I'm just so glad that I'm excited about what I'm learning in school. My future seems so bright, I think that I'll be a great professor someday. That's my dream, and I know I can get there.
My river painting is coming along, but right now it's still in the boring stage. Maybe if I let loose with the paints I can get it to flow a little more. My next mode of attack is to darken the land masses so that the sky and the river stand out more in comparison. Will it work? Only time will tell...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Silence Breaker
Since my last post it's been awhile; since my last post on my Japanese blog it's been more than awhile. Strange enough when you have all the free time in the world it doesn't necessarily lead to being productive. That is the general summary of my time here at home so far.
Every day I sleep in until ten or eleven. Get up to have some coffee, and then spend the rest of the day doing busy work on the computer or just doing nothing at all. Though I hated most of my time there, I am so glad that I spent the summer at Middlebury instead of rotting around this place. Only two more weeks and two days until I go back to school; if it were up to me I'd leave tomorrow.
There's a fresh piece of family drama in my family soap opera:
Because of my father's time in Germany, he has this GI bill from the government that allows forty percent of my education to be paid for if he only signs the benefits over to my brother and me. Only problem is is that he's been reluctant, if not all together unwilling to do so. Exactly why, I don't know, but with scars still wounding from the divorce it's put everyone in a sour mood when it comes to dealing with financial matters as important as this. See, the bill can also be used for personal things, such as advancing flight training. So my father also has the option to do that if he wishes, but you can't spit the bill. So we'll either have almost half of our education paid for my the government, or Dad will get to go to more flight school for free.
He hasn't been talking really to anyone recently, and everyone's worried about what he'll do. As for me, I'm not exactly worried. My father's the kind of person I think that wouldn't do that sort of thing in the end. Wouldn't leave his kids behind for free flight lessons. And even if he does, he'll be left with that decision haunting him for the rest of his life. My brother and I will survive one way or another, we always do.
But my brother is now talking about joining the military to pay for college instead of taking money from Dad. He's stubborn like that, willing to go to drastic measures in order to drive home a point.
Everything will be alright in the end, I'm convinced of that. But sometimes the waiting in between can be the worst of all.
Every day I sleep in until ten or eleven. Get up to have some coffee, and then spend the rest of the day doing busy work on the computer or just doing nothing at all. Though I hated most of my time there, I am so glad that I spent the summer at Middlebury instead of rotting around this place. Only two more weeks and two days until I go back to school; if it were up to me I'd leave tomorrow.
There's a fresh piece of family drama in my family soap opera:
Because of my father's time in Germany, he has this GI bill from the government that allows forty percent of my education to be paid for if he only signs the benefits over to my brother and me. Only problem is is that he's been reluctant, if not all together unwilling to do so. Exactly why, I don't know, but with scars still wounding from the divorce it's put everyone in a sour mood when it comes to dealing with financial matters as important as this. See, the bill can also be used for personal things, such as advancing flight training. So my father also has the option to do that if he wishes, but you can't spit the bill. So we'll either have almost half of our education paid for my the government, or Dad will get to go to more flight school for free.
He hasn't been talking really to anyone recently, and everyone's worried about what he'll do. As for me, I'm not exactly worried. My father's the kind of person I think that wouldn't do that sort of thing in the end. Wouldn't leave his kids behind for free flight lessons. And even if he does, he'll be left with that decision haunting him for the rest of his life. My brother and I will survive one way or another, we always do.
But my brother is now talking about joining the military to pay for college instead of taking money from Dad. He's stubborn like that, willing to go to drastic measures in order to drive home a point.
Everything will be alright in the end, I'm convinced of that. But sometimes the waiting in between can be the worst of all.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Home Again
Driving back took two days, it was horrible.
Yesterday after we drove from Middlebury to Erie, PA and stayed over at Uncle Paulie and Aunt Tracy's home. "Uncle Paulie" is a friend of my Dad's; a neurosurgeon originally from Midland, Michigan. When Dad was deployed to Germany a few years ago he worked with Paulie and the two became good friends. Paulie's an open sort of guy, hilarious with a "no bullshit" sort of air to him that makes him pleasant to be around. He and and his wife Tracy are like a tag team, bouncing off of each others energy, making our stay such a pleasant experience after being in a car for eight hours. They were lovely to see, such nice people; I wish I could have stayed longer.
Middlebury is done, and I'm home. And now I eat my words. Exactly why, I don't know, but a part of my heart misses Middlebury.
When I come back here, nobody speaks Japanese, and nobody cares if you do. This place is a bubble isolated away from time and away from the rest of the world, I don't know if I like it. Speaking Japanese is sort of like an embarassing hobby, people sort of smile and laugh at you when they hear you speak it, and are always asking for you "say something in Japanese." All of it almost sounds like a joke.
At least Ann Arbor will come again in three weeks. Somehow, I don't feel like I'm home quite yet.
Yesterday after we drove from Middlebury to Erie, PA and stayed over at Uncle Paulie and Aunt Tracy's home. "Uncle Paulie" is a friend of my Dad's; a neurosurgeon originally from Midland, Michigan. When Dad was deployed to Germany a few years ago he worked with Paulie and the two became good friends. Paulie's an open sort of guy, hilarious with a "no bullshit" sort of air to him that makes him pleasant to be around. He and and his wife Tracy are like a tag team, bouncing off of each others energy, making our stay such a pleasant experience after being in a car for eight hours. They were lovely to see, such nice people; I wish I could have stayed longer.
Middlebury is done, and I'm home. And now I eat my words. Exactly why, I don't know, but a part of my heart misses Middlebury.
When I come back here, nobody speaks Japanese, and nobody cares if you do. This place is a bubble isolated away from time and away from the rest of the world, I don't know if I like it. Speaking Japanese is sort of like an embarassing hobby, people sort of smile and laugh at you when they hear you speak it, and are always asking for you "say something in Japanese." All of it almost sounds like a joke.
At least Ann Arbor will come again in three weeks. Somehow, I don't feel like I'm home quite yet.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The End
Tomorrow I go home.
Middlebury ended in a sort of whimper. First the final exam on Monday, then the final projects on Tuesday, the banquet on Wednesday, and the final class today. Things one by one disappeared until there was nobody and nothing left. Cronin and Brandon left today, they've probably gotten home by now. All of our teachers too have sort of vanished. Someday I hope to see everyone again.
My final thoughts of Middlebury are, overall, good. While I can't say that I enjoyed this experience, I know I took a lot from it. Maybe someday, a very long time from today, I'll come back here. Maybe.
But now, I'm going home, and what sucks is that it's going to take me two days to do it. Saturday night sounds like a long ways away, even though it's the day after tomorrow.
Middlebury ended in a sort of whimper. First the final exam on Monday, then the final projects on Tuesday, the banquet on Wednesday, and the final class today. Things one by one disappeared until there was nobody and nothing left. Cronin and Brandon left today, they've probably gotten home by now. All of our teachers too have sort of vanished. Someday I hope to see everyone again.
My final thoughts of Middlebury are, overall, good. While I can't say that I enjoyed this experience, I know I took a lot from it. Maybe someday, a very long time from today, I'll come back here. Maybe.
But now, I'm going home, and what sucks is that it's going to take me two days to do it. Saturday night sounds like a long ways away, even though it's the day after tomorrow.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Last Hurdle
The Last Hurdle is a presentation on Pokemon. That's not the school's fault, I picked the topic; I thought it would be easy and fun to write on, and it was. Only now I have to memorize fives pages of material for a 15-minute presentation that takes place tomorrow morning. But I know I can do it; if I recall I did this exact same thing not a few months ago for my last Japanese class. Guess it can't be helped.
My final exam was today. Like the previous three, it was long, and hard, and didn't deviate much from what I expected. We started at 7:50 and ended at 11:20. Three and a half hours. Now I'm prone to bitch and moan in this blog, but that's ridiculous. Three and a half hours for a normal chapter test. What are they thinking? Do they really want to grade all of that? When you're taking it, after awhile time wears down on you and you start writing crap for your answers:
"No, I don't think that defining people in terms of social level is a good thing. Everyone lives by the same heart, the same body, the same air. When we die, our bodies all return to the same Earth. We're all human, and the rules that separate us socially were created just by other humans".
That sort of literary shit. Upon reading it I'm sure that it doesn't make sense in Japanese, but at that time and place, I really didn't care anymore, just wanted to continue, just wanted to finish. Actually I finished before several of my friends did, which scared me a little, before I was always the last person to finish, and now I'm at about average. Weird.
But now, on a Monday afternoon, I am so close. So close that I can feel it; I put all of my books in my suitcase today and it was the greatest feelings ever, I don't have to look at them ever again unless I want to. Just, amazing. All of my posters are off the wall, and tomorrow I can start slowly packing my clothes into trash bags to take home.
Just tomorrow morning, and I'm done.
My final exam was today. Like the previous three, it was long, and hard, and didn't deviate much from what I expected. We started at 7:50 and ended at 11:20. Three and a half hours. Now I'm prone to bitch and moan in this blog, but that's ridiculous. Three and a half hours for a normal chapter test. What are they thinking? Do they really want to grade all of that? When you're taking it, after awhile time wears down on you and you start writing crap for your answers:
"No, I don't think that defining people in terms of social level is a good thing. Everyone lives by the same heart, the same body, the same air. When we die, our bodies all return to the same Earth. We're all human, and the rules that separate us socially were created just by other humans".
That sort of literary shit. Upon reading it I'm sure that it doesn't make sense in Japanese, but at that time and place, I really didn't care anymore, just wanted to continue, just wanted to finish. Actually I finished before several of my friends did, which scared me a little, before I was always the last person to finish, and now I'm at about average. Weird.
But now, on a Monday afternoon, I am so close. So close that I can feel it; I put all of my books in my suitcase today and it was the greatest feelings ever, I don't have to look at them ever again unless I want to. Just, amazing. All of my posters are off the wall, and tomorrow I can start slowly packing my clothes into trash bags to take home.
Just tomorrow morning, and I'm done.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Percentage Wise
All I have left to do is a test and a presentation. And then I'm done. Done forever and I never have to come back.
As for the test, it'll come and go, and that'll be the end of it. Sure I can study for it, but there's only so much you can do. Read the reading material, again, look over the grammar, and try and memorize vocabulary for the oral test. That's all. Anything else it out of your hands. Whenever I lose points on a test, it's usually not because of not knwoing the material, but of a general sense of sloppiness, which I don' think can be helped. Small mistakes like that slowly get better with time, but for the moment I'm stuck. That, and there's not much that I can do to change my average; it'll either get a little bit better or a little bit worse. Right now it's an 88.5, which isn't flat out horrible, just a little bad. Problem is is that "little bad" makes up 60% of my overall grade. Just now I tapped it out on the calculator, i'm about at a 88%. Even if I got a 100% on the next test, it would change my average to a whopping 91%.
College is awesome like that.
As for the test, it'll come and go, and that'll be the end of it. Sure I can study for it, but there's only so much you can do. Read the reading material, again, look over the grammar, and try and memorize vocabulary for the oral test. That's all. Anything else it out of your hands. Whenever I lose points on a test, it's usually not because of not knwoing the material, but of a general sense of sloppiness, which I don' think can be helped. Small mistakes like that slowly get better with time, but for the moment I'm stuck. That, and there's not much that I can do to change my average; it'll either get a little bit better or a little bit worse. Right now it's an 88.5, which isn't flat out horrible, just a little bad. Problem is is that "little bad" makes up 60% of my overall grade. Just now I tapped it out on the calculator, i'm about at a 88%. Even if I got a 100% on the next test, it would change my average to a whopping 91%.
College is awesome like that.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Various Points
As much as I've complained about this experience, as much as longingly looked at the calendar and wondered how many more days I can make it here, I think I'm going to miss Middlebury. Not enough to make me come back, but enough to look back on this place with some fondness.
Something is special here, something different. Maybe it's the location; rolling hills bordered by low green mountains. Sunlight shafting sparkling through the branches of trees. There's not much out here, and while that makes for one shitty social life, there are, I have to admit, some advantages. Even now, almost midnight, the only thing I hear outside of my window is the wind sifting through the leaves. No obnoxious music. No howls and screams of drunken freshman. Just cool wind and starlight, like none I've ever seen before.
This weekend, I want to just sit outside in the shade and take it all in. Sometimes I wish I'd done that here earlier, but the weather has been less than desirable up until just recently. All of my friends want to go to Snake Mountain, wherever that is, tomorrow. For some reason I don't really want to go. Not because it doesn't seem like it would be nice, I'm sure that it would. Right now, I'd rather be left alone right now.
For our last discussion today in class, we talked about our dream life. Mine wasn't a whole lot different than it is now. That's easy for me to say, since my parents help me out financially in several aspects of life, but my own realization suprised me a little. What I need to be happy I don't think is very much. A few close friends, doing a job that I love that gives back to the world, and some free time to pursue hobbies. While I want to be in love with someone someday, if that never happens, everything will be ok. Whatever happens, I need to be happy enough with my life to not be in want of anything else.
Later tonight I sat with Prof. Naito at dinner. Sometimes it amazes me how people's personalities just attract you. You can feel warmth spilling out over their words and glances; just being there with them makes you content with the moment. Our conversation wasn't anything monumental, small talk really, but I remember looking at the clock on the wall, wishing that I had more time. Maybe someday I'll be able to be a person like that, that people want to be around. But the odd thing is that at the beginning, my first impression of her was drastically different. She seemed strict to me, not what anyone would call a "soft hearted". Whatever it was based on, my impression was very wrong. Middlebury ends soon, but I hope that someday I can meet up with her again.
Forever goodbye's dont suit me, even though I may have typed something in contrast earlier.
Something is special here, something different. Maybe it's the location; rolling hills bordered by low green mountains. Sunlight shafting sparkling through the branches of trees. There's not much out here, and while that makes for one shitty social life, there are, I have to admit, some advantages. Even now, almost midnight, the only thing I hear outside of my window is the wind sifting through the leaves. No obnoxious music. No howls and screams of drunken freshman. Just cool wind and starlight, like none I've ever seen before.
This weekend, I want to just sit outside in the shade and take it all in. Sometimes I wish I'd done that here earlier, but the weather has been less than desirable up until just recently. All of my friends want to go to Snake Mountain, wherever that is, tomorrow. For some reason I don't really want to go. Not because it doesn't seem like it would be nice, I'm sure that it would. Right now, I'd rather be left alone right now.
For our last discussion today in class, we talked about our dream life. Mine wasn't a whole lot different than it is now. That's easy for me to say, since my parents help me out financially in several aspects of life, but my own realization suprised me a little. What I need to be happy I don't think is very much. A few close friends, doing a job that I love that gives back to the world, and some free time to pursue hobbies. While I want to be in love with someone someday, if that never happens, everything will be ok. Whatever happens, I need to be happy enough with my life to not be in want of anything else.
Later tonight I sat with Prof. Naito at dinner. Sometimes it amazes me how people's personalities just attract you. You can feel warmth spilling out over their words and glances; just being there with them makes you content with the moment. Our conversation wasn't anything monumental, small talk really, but I remember looking at the clock on the wall, wishing that I had more time. Maybe someday I'll be able to be a person like that, that people want to be around. But the odd thing is that at the beginning, my first impression of her was drastically different. She seemed strict to me, not what anyone would call a "soft hearted". Whatever it was based on, my impression was very wrong. Middlebury ends soon, but I hope that someday I can meet up with her again.
Forever goodbye's dont suit me, even though I may have typed something in contrast earlier.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Bad Japanese Day
Today was, as we call in the business, a "Bad Japanese Day". All day yesterday was spent correcting my five-page paper that I neglected to read the comic we covered in class today. Apparently, so did everyone else, so at least I wasn't alone in the aspect. Spouting BS is all well and good but generally you need a basis to start from, I had absolutely nothing, and was watching the clock, praying that I wouldn't be called on. Now I'm so far behind on the reading I'm not sure if I should spend the afternoon trying to catch up or screw it and go see a movie with everyone else. With only a few days left I think I have an obligation to stick it out and study, though it seems I have this mental attitude that Middlebury is finished.
What am I going to do with myself when I finally get home? Sleep I guess, and gain back any weight I've lost before college. Such is life; though I'm glad to have a break before I start in again. Going from Middlebury to UM would be depressing, out of the pan and into the fire. But if you look at my schedule, it's pretty tame.
Time for a capella group, which I've skipped in and out of the entire time here. This is the last time though, so I figure it'd be fun.
What am I going to do with myself when I finally get home? Sleep I guess, and gain back any weight I've lost before college. Such is life; though I'm glad to have a break before I start in again. Going from Middlebury to UM would be depressing, out of the pan and into the fire. But if you look at my schedule, it's pretty tame.
Time for a capella group, which I've skipped in and out of the entire time here. This is the last time though, so I figure it'd be fun.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
All-Nighter
Today's Tuesday, and things have calmed down considerably from before. Every day the space on the calendar between now and next Wednesday gets shorter and shorter. Finally, the end is it sight. Even now I feel like writing concluding remarks about my experience here, but I know it's too early for that; it's not over yet.
On Sunday for the first time in my life I stayed up all night writing a paper, it was a horrible experience, but at least I got it finished, and I can relax a little more than I could have before. Actually I guess I can't say that I stayed up all night, I fell asleep at 5 and work up at 7, so it's not completely legit. Watching the sunrise was neat though. I'm convinced that sunrises and sunsets don't look the same. Watching the stars diminish as the sky brightens from deep blue to a sort of green was something I don't think I've ever really seem before. That, and the sky here in Vermont seems brighter, more open. When the weather is nice, it's a really idyillic place. That's *if* the weather is nice, which for the majority of my stay here it hasn't been.
Throughout the next day I was so tired that I wasn't able to do as well in class as I had wanted to. Recently my daily quiz scores have dropped, slightly, but I figure my average is strong enough to hold me out until the end. All I can hope for is an A-, but I think that's possible, at any rate, it's too late to change anything now.
All I'm doing tonight is correcting my paper, and then going to bed. As for the reading homework I was supposed to do, that can wait till morning, I seem to be more productive then anyhow.
On Sunday for the first time in my life I stayed up all night writing a paper, it was a horrible experience, but at least I got it finished, and I can relax a little more than I could have before. Actually I guess I can't say that I stayed up all night, I fell asleep at 5 and work up at 7, so it's not completely legit. Watching the sunrise was neat though. I'm convinced that sunrises and sunsets don't look the same. Watching the stars diminish as the sky brightens from deep blue to a sort of green was something I don't think I've ever really seem before. That, and the sky here in Vermont seems brighter, more open. When the weather is nice, it's a really idyillic place. That's *if* the weather is nice, which for the majority of my stay here it hasn't been.
Throughout the next day I was so tired that I wasn't able to do as well in class as I had wanted to. Recently my daily quiz scores have dropped, slightly, but I figure my average is strong enough to hold me out until the end. All I can hope for is an A-, but I think that's possible, at any rate, it's too late to change anything now.
All I'm doing tonight is correcting my paper, and then going to bed. As for the reading homework I was supposed to do, that can wait till morning, I seem to be more productive then anyhow.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
"T-Minus 10"
Thursday, Friday, and most of today was spent on "Gakugeikai", sort of a talent show and school play wrapped into one. As for me, I had the class skit, rakugo, and a theater club preformance to prepare for. You could say that I was a little pissed not to have time for anything else, especially doing a thorough job with class and homework. All of it went well, at least I think it did. And If I ever get access to the movies they took, they'll go up on my YouTube. Stay tuned.
As a finale all of the professors preformed a short version of "The Sound of Music" with Middlebury Japanese lyrics. Although I've done nothing but bitch and whine about this place, I was really touched. Within the lyrics here and there were little jokes about the program, the campus, the teachers . So many small but powerful memories in just a few short months; I guess that's what you expect from a program like this. And finially, at the end, a Sayonara. Sayonara, is a sort of a "forever goodbye". And that's true. All of the teachers here, all of my friends, after the programs done, chances are that I'll never see them again.
But I guess that doesn't have to be a sad thing. Life's like that. People come across your path, and make an impact, however small, on your heart. Say that impact was strong enough to make an impression, you'll carry a part of them with you for the rest of your life, and maybe even pass it on to others. So I guess in that aspect, it's not really a forever goodbye.
T-Minus 10 Days. Now the real work begins. Tomorrow I spend all day writing a report on Pokemon, and then write a script to memorize for next week.
As a finale all of the professors preformed a short version of "The Sound of Music" with Middlebury Japanese lyrics. Although I've done nothing but bitch and whine about this place, I was really touched. Within the lyrics here and there were little jokes about the program, the campus, the teachers . So many small but powerful memories in just a few short months; I guess that's what you expect from a program like this. And finially, at the end, a Sayonara. Sayonara, is a sort of a "forever goodbye". And that's true. All of the teachers here, all of my friends, after the programs done, chances are that I'll never see them again.
But I guess that doesn't have to be a sad thing. Life's like that. People come across your path, and make an impact, however small, on your heart. Say that impact was strong enough to make an impression, you'll carry a part of them with you for the rest of your life, and maybe even pass it on to others. So I guess in that aspect, it's not really a forever goodbye.
T-Minus 10 Days. Now the real work begins. Tomorrow I spend all day writing a report on Pokemon, and then write a script to memorize for next week.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Letter Grade
There are 10 more days of class.
Today is slightly less of a crisis than yesterday. Slightly. For one, I blew off a capella practice to take a nap and do some reading, and the homework for today is significantly less than what we were loaded with yesterday.
Tonight, I'm going to write my essay. And I'm going to finish it, and it's going to be horrible. But at least it will be done. This way, I can edit it myself tomorrow, and submit it to the professors for an overview. My project is actually due exactly one week from today, but there's a large catch. What you submit is what you're grade will be. So all the mistakes that are on your paper will have points deducted from your grade, which sounds reasonable, but when you make mistakes as much as I do, that first check is a necessity.
As for my grade for the class, I'm more than clueless. All I know is that I've gotten about an 88.5 average on my tests, "checks" for all of my homework, whatever that means, and a good class participation rate and quiz score. All that's left is the project. Getting an A is impossible. A-, wishful thinking, leaving a B+ as my hope. A flat B would be dissapointing, but at least I'll know that I tried. All in all, this doesn't factor into Michigan's GPA, which is a good thing, but this grade may come to affect me in the future.
Today is slightly less of a crisis than yesterday. Slightly. For one, I blew off a capella practice to take a nap and do some reading, and the homework for today is significantly less than what we were loaded with yesterday.
Tonight, I'm going to write my essay. And I'm going to finish it, and it's going to be horrible. But at least it will be done. This way, I can edit it myself tomorrow, and submit it to the professors for an overview. My project is actually due exactly one week from today, but there's a large catch. What you submit is what you're grade will be. So all the mistakes that are on your paper will have points deducted from your grade, which sounds reasonable, but when you make mistakes as much as I do, that first check is a necessity.
As for my grade for the class, I'm more than clueless. All I know is that I've gotten about an 88.5 average on my tests, "checks" for all of my homework, whatever that means, and a good class participation rate and quiz score. All that's left is the project. Getting an A is impossible. A-, wishful thinking, leaving a B+ as my hope. A flat B would be dissapointing, but at least I'll know that I tried. All in all, this doesn't factor into Michigan's GPA, which is a good thing, but this grade may come to affect me in the future.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
FML
Today my mom changed her Facebook status from "married" to "single". Like a death I suppose, in divorce it's the little things that really hit you. You'd expect for the anger and the disappointment to come all at once, and then once you're "over it" you can move on with your life. But it doesn't work like that. Months, years later, a small glimpse of reality will remind you to the greater and more awful truth, how it all really happened. Having to have to drive to your "Dad's house". Making two calls instead of one when checking in on home.
As for the best outcome for the situation, I'll never know what it was. But I know that living with this isn't right either.
There were two comments left in response to my mom's post as of today. 1) "Best wishes to you, whatever your choices" and 2) ":)". As for the first, checked to view the profile, and, as expected, where a profile picture should be some religious propaganda was left instead, which sadly, was what I expected.
Middlebury is spinning out of control. This kind of experience is a first in my life. Obligations are layered one on top of another, and it's the best I can do to make it through the day, still breathing.
Only two more weeks left.
Will I make it after all?
As for the best outcome for the situation, I'll never know what it was. But I know that living with this isn't right either.
There were two comments left in response to my mom's post as of today. 1) "Best wishes to you, whatever your choices" and 2) ":)". As for the first, checked to view the profile, and, as expected, where a profile picture should be some religious propaganda was left instead, which sadly, was what I expected.
Middlebury is spinning out of control. This kind of experience is a first in my life. Obligations are layered one on top of another, and it's the best I can do to make it through the day, still breathing.
Only two more weeks left.
Will I make it after all?
Monday, July 27, 2009
Take Two
Just a few moments ago I finished installing Microsoft Office onto my computer for about the 18th time today. And it opened. And, it works, at least for 30 days.
Today I come back from classes to my dorm for checking Facebook, email, along with any other social networking sites. My Mac tells me that it wants to update itself. Ok, fine, sure, whatever; make it quick. Among the updates is one for Microsoft Office, which feels a need to update about three times a week. Because that's how much Microsoft cares. Anyway, I install the updates, and Mac restarts with that lovely little mac chime. Everything is set, ok! Time to work on my final presentation, the Pokemon project.
When I click Power Point, the following message appears:
"We know you never actually bought this program you miserable little shit. You have three days to before your computer self-destructs. Find a real programing key. Or else."
Not exactly in those words, but close enough so that the effect can be fully realized I believe. Desperately trying to fix the problem so I can work on my project took the better part of my early afternoon, and now despite the fact that I don't have much homework I'm still behind.
Tomorrow I have to preform a short skit from memory for Rakugo Club. Only problem is, I haven't picked one yet.
Today I come back from classes to my dorm for checking Facebook, email, along with any other social networking sites. My Mac tells me that it wants to update itself. Ok, fine, sure, whatever; make it quick. Among the updates is one for Microsoft Office, which feels a need to update about three times a week. Because that's how much Microsoft cares. Anyway, I install the updates, and Mac restarts with that lovely little mac chime. Everything is set, ok! Time to work on my final presentation, the Pokemon project.
When I click Power Point, the following message appears:
"We know you never actually bought this program you miserable little shit. You have three days to before your computer self-destructs. Find a real programing key. Or else."
Not exactly in those words, but close enough so that the effect can be fully realized I believe. Desperately trying to fix the problem so I can work on my project took the better part of my early afternoon, and now despite the fact that I don't have much homework I'm still behind.
Tomorrow I have to preform a short skit from memory for Rakugo Club. Only problem is, I haven't picked one yet.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Angry Blog >:(
For the first time in a long time, I'm in a terrible mood; the kind where you're ready to snap at the first person that walks across your path. Fortunately, I'm in my room like I have been all afternoon, so there's nobody around. This place might as well be a cell for all the time that I get outside of it.
This afternoon I didn't accomplish much of anything save for some Kanji memorization and working on my project. Vermont is hot and muggy and miserable and even though I've come to be comfortable with my life here, I am so over Middlebury.
Laura must have some sort of presentation tomorrow, she whispers it to herself again and again and I don't know how much more I can take...
Why can't I be happy for other people? What I'm feeling tonight must be jealousy for the summers that other people are having, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade places with them. While I hate it here, I know that coming here was the right choice, the things that I've learned are invaluable. That, and this was my choice. Consequently I have a lot of responsibility for it.
But I sit here alone in a room that's too small staring at a computer screen at the things that people are doing, and I hate them for it.
This afternoon I didn't accomplish much of anything save for some Kanji memorization and working on my project. Vermont is hot and muggy and miserable and even though I've come to be comfortable with my life here, I am so over Middlebury.
Laura must have some sort of presentation tomorrow, she whispers it to herself again and again and I don't know how much more I can take...
Why can't I be happy for other people? What I'm feeling tonight must be jealousy for the summers that other people are having, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade places with them. While I hate it here, I know that coming here was the right choice, the things that I've learned are invaluable. That, and this was my choice. Consequently I have a lot of responsibility for it.
But I sit here alone in a room that's too small staring at a computer screen at the things that people are doing, and I hate them for it.
Rainy Sunday Afternoon
Ah, Sunday afternoon, the calm before the storm. Well, I would normally be able to say that except for the fact that it's almost storming now, but that's nothing unusual to say the least.
Cut my bangs again today, now they're just below my eyebrow. As for styling, that might prove to be a problem, but one step at a time, right? At the Japanese school is was a bit of a hair-cutting party. Kentaro and Benji had 日 and 本 shaved into the back of their heads for a bit of school spirit for the volleyball game today. Right now I can hear the cheers coming from the field a little ways away, but I thought I'd better get some study in before next week hits. That, and it's raining.
Thanks to the internet, I think I know a little 한굴 (Hangul) now! Well, at least I can recognize most of them. Speed is non-existent, but I think that will come with time. Most Korean is written in Hangul I believe, so as long as I practice a little but I don't think it should be a problem.
Typing though, is another story entirely. See, typing in Japanese couldn't be easier. You want to write 日本語, type in "Ni-ho-go" exactly as it's pronounced in Roman letters on the keyboard and Shazam! instant Japanese. They're even nice enough to change it from ひらがな, Hiragana, the phonetic alphabet, into 漢字, Chinese characters for your automatically. Korean, apparently, is another story.
Let's take the box looking thing ㅁ on the far left, where "a" should be, for example. Sadly, that's not the Korean "a". Not even close, it's "m". Now where does that put "a" you ask? ㅏis where "k" should be. This makes for a fabulous time trying to type in Korean. Every time I have to use the "keyboard viewer" and painstakingly look back and forth between typing. After awhile I should get used to it I'm sure, but in the meantime it's slow going.
Three weeks from now I'll have been home for a few days, and then three weeks from then I'll be in Ann Arbor again. Crazy to think about, as three weeks go by faster than you think. Or at least that's what I hope.
Cut my bangs again today, now they're just below my eyebrow. As for styling, that might prove to be a problem, but one step at a time, right? At the Japanese school is was a bit of a hair-cutting party. Kentaro and Benji had 日 and 本 shaved into the back of their heads for a bit of school spirit for the volleyball game today. Right now I can hear the cheers coming from the field a little ways away, but I thought I'd better get some study in before next week hits. That, and it's raining.
Thanks to the internet, I think I know a little 한굴 (Hangul) now! Well, at least I can recognize most of them. Speed is non-existent, but I think that will come with time. Most Korean is written in Hangul I believe, so as long as I practice a little but I don't think it should be a problem.
Typing though, is another story entirely. See, typing in Japanese couldn't be easier. You want to write 日本語, type in "Ni-ho-go" exactly as it's pronounced in Roman letters on the keyboard and Shazam! instant Japanese. They're even nice enough to change it from ひらがな, Hiragana, the phonetic alphabet, into 漢字, Chinese characters for your automatically. Korean, apparently, is another story.
Let's take the box looking thing ㅁ on the far left, where "a" should be, for example. Sadly, that's not the Korean "a". Not even close, it's "m". Now where does that put "a" you ask? ㅏis where "k" should be. This makes for a fabulous time trying to type in Korean. Every time I have to use the "keyboard viewer" and painstakingly look back and forth between typing. After awhile I should get used to it I'm sure, but in the meantime it's slow going.Three weeks from now I'll have been home for a few days, and then three weeks from then I'll be in Ann Arbor again. Crazy to think about, as three weeks go by faster than you think. Or at least that's what I hope.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Saturday Night
Right now everyone's in the Hepburn Zoo, the large space above the main lounge in the dorm, throwing a party. I went for a little while, but found it boring and ended up back here in my dorm room. As if this is more exciting. Whatever, I don't like parties. At least the kind that are associated with the term "party". Bad music, bad alcohol, and a room full of people you really don't know. Really, quite the time.
Even though I say that, I can't say that I'm enjoying this either, working on my presentation that's due over two weeks from now and memorizing vocab that's going to be on a daily quiz on Monday. None of it has a point, I'm going to spend my time here to get a good grade on something that's not even going to affect my grade here. A transfer grade that few people will ever see, and no one will care about.
This reminds me of middle school, and I hate myself for it. For being moody and feel sorry for myself; if I wanted to have fun, there's a party 15 seconds from my room. All I would have to do is just be outgoing for a little while, and everything would be fine. But I don't feel like doing that tonight, and I know there's nothing that's going to make me feel that way.
There's something that I want, but I don't know what it is.
Even though I say that, I can't say that I'm enjoying this either, working on my presentation that's due over two weeks from now and memorizing vocab that's going to be on a daily quiz on Monday. None of it has a point, I'm going to spend my time here to get a good grade on something that's not even going to affect my grade here. A transfer grade that few people will ever see, and no one will care about.
This reminds me of middle school, and I hate myself for it. For being moody and feel sorry for myself; if I wanted to have fun, there's a party 15 seconds from my room. All I would have to do is just be outgoing for a little while, and everything would be fine. But I don't feel like doing that tonight, and I know there's nothing that's going to make me feel that way.
There's something that I want, but I don't know what it is.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Facebook Message
Today I talked to a friend today on Skype, and later wrote a message on Facebook, explaining some of my feelings towards by studies, and the ongoing "Japanese Competition" that continually took place last semester. Some of the stuff that I wrote down I ended up liking, and I wanted to post something for today, so here goes:
Hey,
Thanks for the message, I really do appreciate it, especially being honest about things. People I think really don't do that enough, and I hate having to wade through the insinuations to figure out what people really mean.
Concerning Japanese. For me, it's a tough situation, because, like you said, it's a competition, and last year, that fight I think is what kept me motivated to study as hard as I did. Deep down, I really wanted to be good, wanted to be able to gloat a little bit and get praise for my efforts, as selfish as that sounds. As you know, my main competitor was Brandon, and since he was always just a little bit better than me, it well, lit a fire under my ass I guess you could say. My goal was to beat him, I don't know why, but it was. That, and I think that since I gave up the medical track to take that class, I think I also wanted to show my family that it was something I was good at.
Middlebury has changed my perspective I think. You come here, and you realize that no matter how good you think you are, there is always, always someone that's better. Last year, I may have been a big fish in a small pond but here, honestly, I'm nothing special at all. People sometimes marvel at the fact that I started Japanese less than a year ago, but at the end of the day, it's not the "wow" factor, but how talented you are. During these last few weeks I know I've come to realize that, but I don't think it really bothers me any more.
Out of habit and enjoyment I still study aggressively, because Japanese is important to me, but I think the competition is over, especially if I get into fourth year, in which I know I'll probably be the worst in the class.
Anyway, in terms of studying abroad, all we can do is apply for the programs that we want, and leave the rest up to fate I guess you could say. As for me, (I think) I'm going to apply for Tokyo and maybe Seoul and whatever happens, happens and I'll accept it, I'll go, and it'll be a great experience, wherever I'm at. After all, maybe it's not so much the place, but what you make of it. You're out in the boonies right now, but you've made the effort to see almost all of Japan, I think that's amazing.
That, and we don't know what the teachers are looking for in students. Maybe GPA is more important that Japanese language skills. That being the case, you're in a much better position than others, who might not be able to go to Tokyo or Kyoto just because they screwed over thier GPA first semester.
Sorry I sent you a novel of a message, I think I wanted a study break... Anyway, like you said, I know we'll all be fine, I think sometimes that Japanese issues is my gossip, I love to speculate and talk about it. Hope your presentation went well today!
Talk to you later,
Lauren
Tomorrow I have Japanese test number three, it's going to be horrible, not because I don't think I know the material, but because it's over three hours long. At least there's only one more left.
Back to reading
Hey,
Thanks for the message, I really do appreciate it, especially being honest about things. People I think really don't do that enough, and I hate having to wade through the insinuations to figure out what people really mean.
Concerning Japanese. For me, it's a tough situation, because, like you said, it's a competition, and last year, that fight I think is what kept me motivated to study as hard as I did. Deep down, I really wanted to be good, wanted to be able to gloat a little bit and get praise for my efforts, as selfish as that sounds. As you know, my main competitor was Brandon, and since he was always just a little bit better than me, it well, lit a fire under my ass I guess you could say. My goal was to beat him, I don't know why, but it was. That, and I think that since I gave up the medical track to take that class, I think I also wanted to show my family that it was something I was good at.
Middlebury has changed my perspective I think. You come here, and you realize that no matter how good you think you are, there is always, always someone that's better. Last year, I may have been a big fish in a small pond but here, honestly, I'm nothing special at all. People sometimes marvel at the fact that I started Japanese less than a year ago, but at the end of the day, it's not the "wow" factor, but how talented you are. During these last few weeks I know I've come to realize that, but I don't think it really bothers me any more.
Out of habit and enjoyment I still study aggressively, because Japanese is important to me, but I think the competition is over, especially if I get into fourth year, in which I know I'll probably be the worst in the class.
Anyway, in terms of studying abroad, all we can do is apply for the programs that we want, and leave the rest up to fate I guess you could say. As for me, (I think) I'm going to apply for Tokyo and maybe Seoul and whatever happens, happens and I'll accept it, I'll go, and it'll be a great experience, wherever I'm at. After all, maybe it's not so much the place, but what you make of it. You're out in the boonies right now, but you've made the effort to see almost all of Japan, I think that's amazing.
That, and we don't know what the teachers are looking for in students. Maybe GPA is more important that Japanese language skills. That being the case, you're in a much better position than others, who might not be able to go to Tokyo or Kyoto just because they screwed over thier GPA first semester.
Sorry I sent you a novel of a message, I think I wanted a study break... Anyway, like you said, I know we'll all be fine, I think sometimes that Japanese issues is my gossip, I love to speculate and talk about it. Hope your presentation went well today!
Talk to you later,
Lauren
Tomorrow I have Japanese test number three, it's going to be horrible, not because I don't think I know the material, but because it's over three hours long. At least there's only one more left.
Back to reading
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Fruit Flies
So I go take out the garbage in my dorm room. When my finger touches the edge of the bag, it explodes with fruit flies. Probably around 80 million, give or take a few figures. Now, I suppose that fruit flies aren't the worst insects to run into a problem with. Hell, I used to think they were cute. But now I know the truth. They exist for one reason and for one reason only; to annoy the fuck out of you.
Just watch them fly. They don't go anywhere, just buzz around aimlessly like they've forgotten where they're supposed to go, what they're supposed to do. They remember for a moment, slowly gravitating to words the point of attraction, and then forget again. They're not very good at dodging a swat like, say, a house fly is, but they're just good enough for you to miss more often than you'd like, which only aggravates the situation. Now I'm paranoid, jumping at every shadow that moves in out of the corner of my eye, ready and poised to strike.
Recently I've been skipping breakfast for study and eating an apple or banana every morning. Sounds like an overachiever, I know, but I really do waste a lot of time walking a half mile to the cafeteria so I can eat the same oatmeal every morning. These days instead I've been getting up at the usual time, 5:30, and slowly getting myself around and studying until 7:30, when I have to leave. Not exactly what I would describe as ideal summer living conditions, but what can you do. Three weeks left, by time here is slowly running out. Tomorrow will be two weeks and six days, now that sounds even less.
And then I'll go back to Michigan, back to what I like to feel is my "normal" life.
Just watch them fly. They don't go anywhere, just buzz around aimlessly like they've forgotten where they're supposed to go, what they're supposed to do. They remember for a moment, slowly gravitating to words the point of attraction, and then forget again. They're not very good at dodging a swat like, say, a house fly is, but they're just good enough for you to miss more often than you'd like, which only aggravates the situation. Now I'm paranoid, jumping at every shadow that moves in out of the corner of my eye, ready and poised to strike.
Recently I've been skipping breakfast for study and eating an apple or banana every morning. Sounds like an overachiever, I know, but I really do waste a lot of time walking a half mile to the cafeteria so I can eat the same oatmeal every morning. These days instead I've been getting up at the usual time, 5:30, and slowly getting myself around and studying until 7:30, when I have to leave. Not exactly what I would describe as ideal summer living conditions, but what can you do. Three weeks left, by time here is slowly running out. Tomorrow will be two weeks and six days, now that sounds even less.
And then I'll go back to Michigan, back to what I like to feel is my "normal" life.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Genbaku
Today in place of 3rd and 4th period we had attended a lecture. Atomic bomb survivor Toshifumi Ohashi told us his story of the events of August 6th, 1945, the United States attack on Hiroshima, Japan, and the first use of nuclear weaponry in the history of the world. Half-listening and half writing, I tried my best to write down his story, so I could relay it again. There are probably some inaccuracies, but I did the best I could; I think today this was an experience that I should try to remember before it fades away:
Ohashi was a technical officer working Kure Naval Facility, an artillery producing factory located about 20 miles and 50 minutes by train from Hiroshima. Kure and the surrounding area was known for heavy industry, and remained a central city for the Imperial Army. Prior bombings had all but decimated the factory, and at the time all that remained was the building's outer concrete shell, yet the interior was still used by the military. "Everything flashed pure white, like the Magnesium used for photography. Soon later, sound of the explosion sent a shock wave that blasted with an incredible force." After looking outside to see what had happened, an enormous cloud could be seen rising in the direction of Hiroshima. Rays of light from the morning sun illuminated the cloud, causing it to glow pink against the sky; almost beautiful. Ohashi knew that that morning, a group had been sent to Hiroshima that very morning, and should be arriving by now. "What became of them?" he wondered. Along with some other soldiers, he was ordered to Hiroshima to see what happened.
On the road to Hiroshima, he knew that something wasn't right. With previous bombings, there were always people running away from the explosion, but here, there was nothing. Ohashi and his fellow officers debated amongst themselves what it could have been. A large gas station was stationed between Kura and Hiroshima, so the explosion of the gas tank might have been the cause of the incident. But incidentally, the gas tank was unharmed, as if nothing had happened. Dropping off soldiers who themselves had homes in Hiroshima, Ohashi asked some people squatting by the road what they had seen. B21 Bombers had dropped something with a parachute. While they were watching it's decent, it exploded. He then found out that most of the survivors had fled to a southern military base for help. His story then takes us there.
Wounded people flooded the base, as far as the eye could see. Skin and clothes draped loosely off of their frames. "How could this happen to people?" he had wondered. Soldiers that didn't have their shirts on in the heat of a summer day were especially wounded. Ohashi asked the visiting physician there what had happened, but the doctor couldn't respond. 「水、水、くれ」"Water, water, give me water" was all that the wounded could say. Finding only tragedy and no clues there at the base, he returned to the train station and found only a corpse. All of the trains as well, had gone, so in an attempt to find answers, he decided to follow the tracks to where a large department store should be. But after awhile, the heat and the flames were too intense, forcing him to turn back.
Boarding the truck back to Kure, they found a mess anger who had been ordered to go to Tokyo, saying "Everything has been destroyed". Because all devices of communication had been lost, the message had to be delivered by hand. Having nothing to eat or drink that day, he returned home. Yet upon arriving home, he fell violently ill with symptoms that resembled dysentery. That evening, U.S. President Truman made a radio announcement announcing the attack on Hiroshima. Further broadcasts from the Japanese government advised everyone to wear white in order to avoid further damage from the bomb. What was known about the attacks at that time amounted to very little. Ohashi grew so ill that he couldn't move. "Though I'm not afraid to die, I don't want to die like them. Like the people in Hiroshima" he had thought. After seeing a doctor, the doctor confirmed that the symptoms indeed resembled to dysentery, but after finding the diagnosis to be false, could advise nothing but rest.
After the U.S. occupied Okinawa, everyone had worried that the main islands were next. "Could we fight until the end? Despite what had happened so far, the idea of the Japanese surrendering seemed impossible." Newspapers, with no place to be printed, stopped, leaving the radio as a sole means of acquiring information. On August 15th the voice of the Emperor was heard to the public for the first time in the history of the world. By word of the Emperor, the Japanese were going to surrender. Upon hearing his, all Ohashi could do was weep. However, because radio quality was not the best at this time, and because the Emperor had used language not common to the public, some misunderstood the message, proclaiming in the streets to "Keep fighting" "Don't give up yet."
Ohashi eventually retired from the military, working for Mitsubishi in 1946. Progress at that time, was slow, and remained so for several years. No one was healthy enough to start rebuilding.
Ohashi movied to Osaka in '46, and in '93 needed surgury preformed to remove cancer from his esophagus. The Japanese government provides "Atomic Bomb Survivor" health cards to those affected, essentially providing free health care as well as check-ups twice a year. He is aftive in the "Atomic Bomb Survivor's Association" which is actively working to remove nuclear weapons from the planet.
However, there was one more story he had to share.
The November after the attacks, a friend of Ohashi's had decided to pay a visit to a friend named Takemoto who had been volunteering in Hiroshima at the time of the bombing to protect the city against future raids. Standing at the door, he heard her voice, cheerful and strong, and was relieved to think the damage wasn't as bad as he had thought. Then he saw her, and was at a loss for words. Where a face should be was a hard and white substance, like the melted wax of a candle. Her skin melted and fused, her eyes could not close. Scars had rendered the joints of her elbow stiff, making any movement of the arms impossible. She told him, when her husband returned home for the first time to see her, she said that staying married this way was impossible with a face as hideous as hers, and asked him to divorce her. After all, he shouldn't have to stay married like this. Her husband replied "if I had come home like that, would you ever leave me?". From that time on, the two lived happily together until her husband died just a few years ago. Ohashi said that her voice though, is still as 元気, energetic and lively, as it had ever been.
When the lecture ended, I sat with my pencil hovering, lost in thought. So many parts of me conflicted with the other, it was impossible to know what to think. What was the right answer? Who had been in the wrong? With the hands of every nation drenched in the blood of the innocent, it becomes impossible to point blame at any signal country for the atrocities of war. Yet, in some way, I feel responsible, in that even today I choose to stand behind my country, my home. There lies a great sense of shame in the mistakes that we've made as a nation, yet I know, we're not alone in this.
Ohashi was a technical officer working Kure Naval Facility, an artillery producing factory located about 20 miles and 50 minutes by train from Hiroshima. Kure and the surrounding area was known for heavy industry, and remained a central city for the Imperial Army. Prior bombings had all but decimated the factory, and at the time all that remained was the building's outer concrete shell, yet the interior was still used by the military. "Everything flashed pure white, like the Magnesium used for photography. Soon later, sound of the explosion sent a shock wave that blasted with an incredible force." After looking outside to see what had happened, an enormous cloud could be seen rising in the direction of Hiroshima. Rays of light from the morning sun illuminated the cloud, causing it to glow pink against the sky; almost beautiful. Ohashi knew that that morning, a group had been sent to Hiroshima that very morning, and should be arriving by now. "What became of them?" he wondered. Along with some other soldiers, he was ordered to Hiroshima to see what happened.
On the road to Hiroshima, he knew that something wasn't right. With previous bombings, there were always people running away from the explosion, but here, there was nothing. Ohashi and his fellow officers debated amongst themselves what it could have been. A large gas station was stationed between Kura and Hiroshima, so the explosion of the gas tank might have been the cause of the incident. But incidentally, the gas tank was unharmed, as if nothing had happened. Dropping off soldiers who themselves had homes in Hiroshima, Ohashi asked some people squatting by the road what they had seen. B21 Bombers had dropped something with a parachute. While they were watching it's decent, it exploded. He then found out that most of the survivors had fled to a southern military base for help. His story then takes us there.
Wounded people flooded the base, as far as the eye could see. Skin and clothes draped loosely off of their frames. "How could this happen to people?" he had wondered. Soldiers that didn't have their shirts on in the heat of a summer day were especially wounded. Ohashi asked the visiting physician there what had happened, but the doctor couldn't respond. 「水、水、くれ」"Water, water, give me water" was all that the wounded could say. Finding only tragedy and no clues there at the base, he returned to the train station and found only a corpse. All of the trains as well, had gone, so in an attempt to find answers, he decided to follow the tracks to where a large department store should be. But after awhile, the heat and the flames were too intense, forcing him to turn back.
Boarding the truck back to Kure, they found a mess anger who had been ordered to go to Tokyo, saying "Everything has been destroyed". Because all devices of communication had been lost, the message had to be delivered by hand. Having nothing to eat or drink that day, he returned home. Yet upon arriving home, he fell violently ill with symptoms that resembled dysentery. That evening, U.S. President Truman made a radio announcement announcing the attack on Hiroshima. Further broadcasts from the Japanese government advised everyone to wear white in order to avoid further damage from the bomb. What was known about the attacks at that time amounted to very little. Ohashi grew so ill that he couldn't move. "Though I'm not afraid to die, I don't want to die like them. Like the people in Hiroshima" he had thought. After seeing a doctor, the doctor confirmed that the symptoms indeed resembled to dysentery, but after finding the diagnosis to be false, could advise nothing but rest.
After the U.S. occupied Okinawa, everyone had worried that the main islands were next. "Could we fight until the end? Despite what had happened so far, the idea of the Japanese surrendering seemed impossible." Newspapers, with no place to be printed, stopped, leaving the radio as a sole means of acquiring information. On August 15th the voice of the Emperor was heard to the public for the first time in the history of the world. By word of the Emperor, the Japanese were going to surrender. Upon hearing his, all Ohashi could do was weep. However, because radio quality was not the best at this time, and because the Emperor had used language not common to the public, some misunderstood the message, proclaiming in the streets to "Keep fighting" "Don't give up yet."
Ohashi eventually retired from the military, working for Mitsubishi in 1946. Progress at that time, was slow, and remained so for several years. No one was healthy enough to start rebuilding.
Ohashi movied to Osaka in '46, and in '93 needed surgury preformed to remove cancer from his esophagus. The Japanese government provides "Atomic Bomb Survivor" health cards to those affected, essentially providing free health care as well as check-ups twice a year. He is aftive in the "Atomic Bomb Survivor's Association" which is actively working to remove nuclear weapons from the planet.
However, there was one more story he had to share.
The November after the attacks, a friend of Ohashi's had decided to pay a visit to a friend named Takemoto who had been volunteering in Hiroshima at the time of the bombing to protect the city against future raids. Standing at the door, he heard her voice, cheerful and strong, and was relieved to think the damage wasn't as bad as he had thought. Then he saw her, and was at a loss for words. Where a face should be was a hard and white substance, like the melted wax of a candle. Her skin melted and fused, her eyes could not close. Scars had rendered the joints of her elbow stiff, making any movement of the arms impossible. She told him, when her husband returned home for the first time to see her, she said that staying married this way was impossible with a face as hideous as hers, and asked him to divorce her. After all, he shouldn't have to stay married like this. Her husband replied "if I had come home like that, would you ever leave me?". From that time on, the two lived happily together until her husband died just a few years ago. Ohashi said that her voice though, is still as 元気, energetic and lively, as it had ever been.
When the lecture ended, I sat with my pencil hovering, lost in thought. So many parts of me conflicted with the other, it was impossible to know what to think. What was the right answer? Who had been in the wrong? With the hands of every nation drenched in the blood of the innocent, it becomes impossible to point blame at any signal country for the atrocities of war. Yet, in some way, I feel responsible, in that even today I choose to stand behind my country, my home. There lies a great sense of shame in the mistakes that we've made as a nation, yet I know, we're not alone in this.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Beyond My Wildest Dreams
Recently I've been listening to English music. Part of me feels guilty, like I'm breaking the promise I made to learn Japanese. Like I'm ruining my reason for being here.
Part of me doesn't care anymore, and knows that music is one little piece of happiness that I'm not willing to part with. There will never be a part of my life where English isn't present. So in some sense, it's only natural I suppose. Today I listened to "The Little Mermaid" musical soundtrack, several times. There's one set of lyrics in there that caught my attention.
"I'd hoped and wished
And wanted so to be here
Wished and prayed
And planned it to a "t"
Prayed and wow!
Just look - it's really me here!
Walking around, strange as it seems
Somewhere beyond my wildest dreams!"
Last spring, I had hoped and wished, and wanted to be here this summer more than anything. Wanted it so bad that I wanted to go by myself, with no one else from my school, so that it would be my experience and mine alone, as selfish at that is. So now that I'm not enjoying myself at the moment I wonder if my emotions were misplaced. This is beyond my wildest dreams, though not in a good way. When it comes down to it, I know that my thoughts towards Japanese haven't changed, I still love my language studies as I had when I started. Though, in a way the honeymoon is over. Now it's just a lot of hard work, memorizing, and trying desperately not to make mistakes. Next year I want to start another language, specifically Korean or Chinese. Don't ask me why Korean, it just seems like fun. Though, I don't know if I can. Don't know if it's good for me.
At the moment I have three conversation partners set up for me for Japanese, and I'm considering adding a fourth. Maybe that's unsafe, but I know that my constant language practice last year is to thank for any skill that I've acquired now, and now that that chance is gone I have to find a way to replace it somehow. All of them are guys, I wish that there would be a girl in there so I could learn proper intonation for female Japanese, but I guess you take what you can get.
Today I have vocabulary, reading, Kanji, two short essays, and a short story to translate, which is optional, and I haven't started on any of it yet. After lunch I went to the post office, took a nap, and practiced Kanji, I feel like I've been working, but after all I guess I haven't.
Part of me doesn't care anymore, and knows that music is one little piece of happiness that I'm not willing to part with. There will never be a part of my life where English isn't present. So in some sense, it's only natural I suppose. Today I listened to "The Little Mermaid" musical soundtrack, several times. There's one set of lyrics in there that caught my attention.
"I'd hoped and wished
And wanted so to be here
Wished and prayed
And planned it to a "t"
Prayed and wow!
Just look - it's really me here!
Walking around, strange as it seems
Somewhere beyond my wildest dreams!"
Last spring, I had hoped and wished, and wanted to be here this summer more than anything. Wanted it so bad that I wanted to go by myself, with no one else from my school, so that it would be my experience and mine alone, as selfish at that is. So now that I'm not enjoying myself at the moment I wonder if my emotions were misplaced. This is beyond my wildest dreams, though not in a good way. When it comes down to it, I know that my thoughts towards Japanese haven't changed, I still love my language studies as I had when I started. Though, in a way the honeymoon is over. Now it's just a lot of hard work, memorizing, and trying desperately not to make mistakes. Next year I want to start another language, specifically Korean or Chinese. Don't ask me why Korean, it just seems like fun. Though, I don't know if I can. Don't know if it's good for me.
At the moment I have three conversation partners set up for me for Japanese, and I'm considering adding a fourth. Maybe that's unsafe, but I know that my constant language practice last year is to thank for any skill that I've acquired now, and now that that chance is gone I have to find a way to replace it somehow. All of them are guys, I wish that there would be a girl in there so I could learn proper intonation for female Japanese, but I guess you take what you can get.
Today I have vocabulary, reading, Kanji, two short essays, and a short story to translate, which is optional, and I haven't started on any of it yet. After lunch I went to the post office, took a nap, and practiced Kanji, I feel like I've been working, but after all I guess I haven't.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Four More Weeks
Four weeks left of Middlebury, and I'm already wishing that it was over. As of right now, I would say that Middlebury was a good "experience" and that I never want to do it again. Or at least, never want to pay to have to do it again. Studying Japanese intensively is a rewarding and yet horrible experience. We go too fast for the information that I'm learning to stick; things that I've already learned are harder to remember, harder to apply. At the halfway point, I think I can safely say that I've learned a lot. Hell, let's hope so. No, but in a serious note, I think that my reading skills have improved tremendously, or at least now I have reading skills. There are still so many things that I have to improve, but I'm not sure if those can be fixed with studying alone. Now I know I have to study abroad to get to where I want to go with Japanese. Lets hope Tokyo next year is a go. Well see. Today I've caught up on sleep, and organized some of my material. As for homework, it's a little less than halfway done. Consider the following prompt:
(Japanese) Have you had an experience in which you've ventured to do but failed, or in which someone has misunderstood you? Use these various grammar points:
Now, for the life of me, I can't think of anything to answer this question with. Like everyone else I've failed a number of times, but none I can think of after "daring to do" or "venturing to do" something. Maybe speaking Japanese with Brandon and Sara? Maybe it'll have to be that.
Next year's classes are starting to be a problem. Two, at this point, are completely undecided, and wont be decided until I take the placement test for Japanese the day before classes start, on Labor Day. Why would they schedule it to be that late? Maybe it gives me more time to study, but it also gives me more time to worry. Will I pass? And then there's the mysterious "fourth class". What will it be? Being optimistic, if I pass the class, I'll have four credits to work with. What I really want to do is take Korean or Chinese, but those are both five credits and would push me to 19, in which I think you have to pay more, and I wouldn't have much time for fun. That, or Creative Writing in the RC. That would be incredible.
Summer still has 7 weeks left to go and this is all I can think about. Right now, I want to go back and see everyone, eat the horrible horrible food in East Quad's cafeteria, feed the squirrels, drink bubble tea and watch Youtube with Brandon and Sara.
And yet I know, that once I get back there are get settled in, I'll wish I had appreciated my summer more.
P.S. Middlebury weather is awesome.
(Japanese) Have you had an experience in which you've ventured to do but failed, or in which someone has misunderstood you? Use these various grammar points:
Now, for the life of me, I can't think of anything to answer this question with. Like everyone else I've failed a number of times, but none I can think of after "daring to do" or "venturing to do" something. Maybe speaking Japanese with Brandon and Sara? Maybe it'll have to be that.
Next year's classes are starting to be a problem. Two, at this point, are completely undecided, and wont be decided until I take the placement test for Japanese the day before classes start, on Labor Day. Why would they schedule it to be that late? Maybe it gives me more time to study, but it also gives me more time to worry. Will I pass? And then there's the mysterious "fourth class". What will it be? Being optimistic, if I pass the class, I'll have four credits to work with. What I really want to do is take Korean or Chinese, but those are both five credits and would push me to 19, in which I think you have to pay more, and I wouldn't have much time for fun. That, or Creative Writing in the RC. That would be incredible.
Summer still has 7 weeks left to go and this is all I can think about. Right now, I want to go back and see everyone, eat the horrible horrible food in East Quad's cafeteria, feed the squirrels, drink bubble tea and watch Youtube with Brandon and Sara.
And yet I know, that once I get back there are get settled in, I'll wish I had appreciated my summer more.
P.S. Middlebury weather is awesome.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
...And Back
So I was wrong about Canada, at least the part about it being like the States. Very wrong. Canada is so far apart from the States that it makes you appreciate how hard they're trying to keep it that way. Probably the biggest noticeable difference is French. French is everywhere. French is on the signs, in the stores, on the food wrappers, and very much in everyone that lives in Montreal. They switch from speaking impeccable English, well, most of them, to fluent French without thinking twice, and remain very much aware from the time that a broken "Bonjour" escapes your mouth that you are not by any stretch of the imagination capable of speaking French. This fact alone makes for some very awkward cultural exchanges when you try and hide your shame of being "Monolingual". Well, I guess perhaps now I can say that I speak two lanugages, barely, but the second hasn't been very useful to me as of yet in the real world. Not to worry, I know that some day Japanese will have it's spot in the sun. Someday.
But apart from the language barrier, Montreal is a pretty neat place. By some chance if you find yourself in Canada, Montreal is a good place to go. Culutrally sophisticated, energetic, slightly seedy, and close to home. That, and the drinking age is 19. All that needs to be said.
But apart from the language barrier, Montreal is a pretty neat place. By some chance if you find yourself in Canada, Montreal is a good place to go. Culutrally sophisticated, energetic, slightly seedy, and close to home. That, and the drinking age is 19. All that needs to be said.
Oh, and I bought a really cute wallet. Normally I don't get super excited about things like that, but this is seriously a neat wallet. 
Who doesn't love cherries?
Who doesn't love cherries?Friday, July 17, 2009
Montreal
Today I leave with my friends Kentaro, Lawrence, and Brandon for Montreal, Quebec. We're staying overnight and then coming back tomorrow. Since I'm the one with the car, I was left to make the arrangements, which pissed me off a little, but then you think about the age group that you're dealing with, and the gender, and consider that after all, it can't be helped. Our hotel is just outside the city, but since it's next to the metro station I think it should be a good location. Brandon and Kentaro want to go to a club tonight, but I've never been to one before. Part of me is worried about it, and the other half desperately wants to let loose and try it anyway. Since half of the group wants to go, I guess that means we're all going. What should I wear? Maybe a sundress? But then again, sundresses are, well, "pretty". Somehow the words "pretty" and "club" aren't usually found together. Whatever, I suppose it's better than the jeans and tee-shirt that I spend most of my life in. When I get back home, I'll have to do something to change that uniform.
(Something a little off-topic, if you'll excuse me. While I was typing here I finally found out who the opera singer that I've been hearing all these weeks actually is. Well, I still don't know her, but I saw her, and that at least connects a thought with a face. She was walking, just outside my window, singing as if it were nothing at all. Like chewing gum. Now I really don't care for the Opera that much, but I can't help but admire her talent. That's amazing, I'm lucky if I can whistle and walk at the same time).
Anyway, somehow it doesn't feel like I'm actually going "abroad". Canada has, in my mind, always been just a very large state, like Texas or Alaska. Nevertheless, I still need my passport, what a country.
(Something a little off-topic, if you'll excuse me. While I was typing here I finally found out who the opera singer that I've been hearing all these weeks actually is. Well, I still don't know her, but I saw her, and that at least connects a thought with a face. She was walking, just outside my window, singing as if it were nothing at all. Like chewing gum. Now I really don't care for the Opera that much, but I can't help but admire her talent. That's amazing, I'm lucky if I can whistle and walk at the same time).
Anyway, somehow it doesn't feel like I'm actually going "abroad". Canada has, in my mind, always been just a very large state, like Texas or Alaska. Nevertheless, I still need my passport, what a country.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
