This morning I woke up at 5:30 in incredible pain My tongue was on fire, or at least that's what it felt like. A few days ago I burned it on coffee, and on top of that I got a head cold. Now the burned parts don't feel like a burn, but like there's no skin separating the nerves from the outside. Pain.
At least this happened over winter break, should this have happened over school, it would have been more painful and I think a lot more embarrassing. Because I really can't talk that well. And what's possibly worse is I really can't eat either. At least eat anything that's good for me. Today I had milk, hot cereal, milk, and spaghetti to eat today, and cookies that were sent express delivery from Japan. (Love, the moment I can talk I'm sending you the biggest "thank you" I can muster, you're the best.) Those cookies were the best fucking cookies you could ever hope to taste in your life. They were shortbread cookies, with various fillings, peanut, chocolate, and lemon. So consequently, there was an internal conflict of whether it was better to avoid the pain and the cookies, or to go for it and suffer with
Naturally I went for it, and I'm glad I did, though perhaps my tongue isn't. But I would do it all over again. Oh how I would do it again. Why can't America make confectioneries like the rest of the world?
Been working on an art project recently, and I had to go and buy some glue today, which cost me a little over twenty dollars. All I wanted was glue but I ended up buying blank cards and varnish too, every time I go to an art supplies store that happens to me. At least I can make beautiful things with it, and then make people happy. That's what it's all for in the end anyway. How lucky I am, to have a talent that can make other people happy.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Pokemon Trainer
You were in my dream last night. We were at some sort of school for becoming Pokémon trainers. As for the school itself, all I remember was that it looked a lot like my middle school. Except there was a train inside so didn’t take so long to get from one end of the hall to the other. But the train was more like an elevator, except it moved to the side instead of going up and down.
You had an Espeon, I think, and I remember being jealous because I didn’t have a Pokémon, but your Espeon was nice and you let me scratch his ears. We rode the elevator-train thing together, and I noticed you were wearing really weird hat. We were then taking some sort of written test, and I thought it was really hard and I was wondering why we had to be tested on this kind of stuff...
Sometime later I think I went outside and I was talking to you about how badly I think I failed, but it was really beautiful out. We were in the suburbs, night was falling and the sky was a pretty sort of orange. There was an art fair or something going on, and a lot of people were putting their art on their front lawns. There were beautiful white sculptures made out of soap, and glass art that would sparkle blue in the setting sun. Somewhere else a zip line showed up, but I can’t remember its relation to the rest of the story.
You had an Espeon, I think, and I remember being jealous because I didn’t have a Pokémon, but your Espeon was nice and you let me scratch his ears. We rode the elevator-train thing together, and I noticed you were wearing really weird hat. We were then taking some sort of written test, and I thought it was really hard and I was wondering why we had to be tested on this kind of stuff...
Sometime later I think I went outside and I was talking to you about how badly I think I failed, but it was really beautiful out. We were in the suburbs, night was falling and the sky was a pretty sort of orange. There was an art fair or something going on, and a lot of people were putting their art on their front lawns. There were beautiful white sculptures made out of soap, and glass art that would sparkle blue in the setting sun. Somewhere else a zip line showed up, but I can’t remember its relation to the rest of the story.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Dead Horse
Christmas is over, thankfully, and now I only have one more holiday to go until this "Holiday Season is finally done and over with. Of course that would be New Years. Normally, I end up tagging along with my brother to some party that he's been invited to. Last year I actually got invited to a party myself, and while that ended up being a lot of fun, I don't think that I've done enough to keep in touch with people for that sort of thing to happen again. There's still hope though for something last minute. We'll see.
Just a second ago I caught myself checking Facebook for the 20th time today, expecting something new. But the thing is, i never write on people's walls, so I don't know why I would expect a reply to come out of nowhere. From here on out I have to make more of an effort to connect with people, instead of expecting them to come to me, it's a bad habit of mine, but it's an easy one to fall into.
This year's Christmas was one of the worst I've ever had, and I don't say that to be moody or depressing, but it truly was. With my Dad, my grandparents, and my brother, we walked through the motions of what we've done for Christmas for most of my childhood, trying with all our effort to make it work. But it's useless; we're beating a dead horse. Things aren't the same, and they never will be.
Why we work so hard to try and return to the past is beyond me. There will never again be a Christmas like the one I grew up with, and to be honest, while the Christmas Past of my childhood was good, it's time for all of us to move on. Things are different now. Mom and Dad have gotten a divorce, I have a boyfriend, and I'm more independent than I've ever been before.
When we were "doing" Christmas, I couldn't help but think that I am so glad I'm going to be in Japan at this time next year. While I know that it's not good for me, I want to run away far from here. Far from this empty hole of a town. And I think it would be good for both of my parents to do the same.
My rant is done for tonight. One of my goals for the upcoming year is to update my blog more frequently, and this time, about happy things too, I promise. After all, there's more to a "wedding" than drama alone.
Just a second ago I caught myself checking Facebook for the 20th time today, expecting something new. But the thing is, i never write on people's walls, so I don't know why I would expect a reply to come out of nowhere. From here on out I have to make more of an effort to connect with people, instead of expecting them to come to me, it's a bad habit of mine, but it's an easy one to fall into.
This year's Christmas was one of the worst I've ever had, and I don't say that to be moody or depressing, but it truly was. With my Dad, my grandparents, and my brother, we walked through the motions of what we've done for Christmas for most of my childhood, trying with all our effort to make it work. But it's useless; we're beating a dead horse. Things aren't the same, and they never will be.
Why we work so hard to try and return to the past is beyond me. There will never again be a Christmas like the one I grew up with, and to be honest, while the Christmas Past of my childhood was good, it's time for all of us to move on. Things are different now. Mom and Dad have gotten a divorce, I have a boyfriend, and I'm more independent than I've ever been before.
When we were "doing" Christmas, I couldn't help but think that I am so glad I'm going to be in Japan at this time next year. While I know that it's not good for me, I want to run away far from here. Far from this empty hole of a town. And I think it would be good for both of my parents to do the same.
My rant is done for tonight. One of my goals for the upcoming year is to update my blog more frequently, and this time, about happy things too, I promise. After all, there's more to a "wedding" than drama alone.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Home
You can never go home again.
For Thanksgiving I took the train from Ann Arbor to Chicago and spent Thursday much in the same fashion that I had last year, with dinner and a show. We go to a convention hall somewhere in Chicago where they hold this Thanksgiving special of a buffet and a broadway show. Both the show and the food were good, in that aspect I can't at all complain, but Thanksgiving feels so empty now. With my family gone. Well, I can't say gone, most of them are still here for now, but broken.
All I can remember is how the holidays used to be, and the stark constrast of what they're like now as opposed to nefore suprises me every year, despite the fact that by now I should be used to it.
When I was growing up, we always had Thanksgiving at our house. Uncle Jimmy would always show up just a little bit before everyone was just about ready and waiting to eat, having sunglasses but no helmet after coming on his Harley from Chicago to Michigan. Wearing a leather jacket and either a Bears or Bulls shirt, his appearance matched that of the classic "badass", but never acted like one around the family. Being over six feet tall, my head never reached above his chest; he would nearly squeeze the breath out of me whenever he hugged me, saying "Mercy mercy mercy", whatever that meant. When he thought nobody was looking, he would sneak some food to my dog, and as a result he had a friend for life. My Grandpa John would make some sort of joke, and I would laugh until I was pink in the face and gasping for air all over again. Really it was a wonder I got through it all alive.
Both Uncle Jimmy and Grandpa John are dead now, and my mother and father are divorced. There will never be another Thanksgiving with them again.
When I came back from Chicago, I walked into the house, and again my own house suprised me. Most of the furniture was still gone from when my father left, it was dark, and cold, and when I expected Maggie to come, tail wagging and nearly beside herself with excitement, there was nothing. "Oh yeah, she's with Dad..." Where my room used to be, there's now just a plain room.
There is nothing in this town for me anymore, and for a moment, I am happy to know that come next year, I should be a world away. More than ever before, I think I realize that I have to make my own life, and that's starting right now.
My home is gone, and I can never go back.
For Thanksgiving I took the train from Ann Arbor to Chicago and spent Thursday much in the same fashion that I had last year, with dinner and a show. We go to a convention hall somewhere in Chicago where they hold this Thanksgiving special of a buffet and a broadway show. Both the show and the food were good, in that aspect I can't at all complain, but Thanksgiving feels so empty now. With my family gone. Well, I can't say gone, most of them are still here for now, but broken.
All I can remember is how the holidays used to be, and the stark constrast of what they're like now as opposed to nefore suprises me every year, despite the fact that by now I should be used to it.
When I was growing up, we always had Thanksgiving at our house. Uncle Jimmy would always show up just a little bit before everyone was just about ready and waiting to eat, having sunglasses but no helmet after coming on his Harley from Chicago to Michigan. Wearing a leather jacket and either a Bears or Bulls shirt, his appearance matched that of the classic "badass", but never acted like one around the family. Being over six feet tall, my head never reached above his chest; he would nearly squeeze the breath out of me whenever he hugged me, saying "Mercy mercy mercy", whatever that meant. When he thought nobody was looking, he would sneak some food to my dog, and as a result he had a friend for life. My Grandpa John would make some sort of joke, and I would laugh until I was pink in the face and gasping for air all over again. Really it was a wonder I got through it all alive.
Both Uncle Jimmy and Grandpa John are dead now, and my mother and father are divorced. There will never be another Thanksgiving with them again.
When I came back from Chicago, I walked into the house, and again my own house suprised me. Most of the furniture was still gone from when my father left, it was dark, and cold, and when I expected Maggie to come, tail wagging and nearly beside herself with excitement, there was nothing. "Oh yeah, she's with Dad..." Where my room used to be, there's now just a plain room.
There is nothing in this town for me anymore, and for a moment, I am happy to know that come next year, I should be a world away. More than ever before, I think I realize that I have to make my own life, and that's starting right now.
My home is gone, and I can never go back.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Choo Choo
This semester has been a train wreck.
Well, not completely. This semester I've figured out a lot of things I think, and now more than ever I have a direction in life, which I suppose in an accomplishment. But I hate the feeling when you can't seem to keep things under control. There's this terrible sensation that I'm living "paycheck to paycheck" in an academic sort of sense. Since I didn't study for my Chinese quiz today I had to skip class rather than fail. Not a big deal since they throw out three of the lowest or missed quizzes, but I can't keep doing that. Every week I say to myself that "this time, I'm going to be completely prepared" and ever single time I find myself frantically studying the morning of the quiz and barely passing off a respectable grade. And I hate that.
But I don't feel like I'm being lazy. Between conversation partners, applying for study abroad, my tutorship for Japanese, being an officer for JSA, it seems like actually doing the work for my classes is just filler, instead of being first priority. There are some aspects of that that say that's not such a bad thing, but I want a little more balance.
Shit, there's a lab today that's due at 5 that I haven't started yet.
Well, not completely. This semester I've figured out a lot of things I think, and now more than ever I have a direction in life, which I suppose in an accomplishment. But I hate the feeling when you can't seem to keep things under control. There's this terrible sensation that I'm living "paycheck to paycheck" in an academic sort of sense. Since I didn't study for my Chinese quiz today I had to skip class rather than fail. Not a big deal since they throw out three of the lowest or missed quizzes, but I can't keep doing that. Every week I say to myself that "this time, I'm going to be completely prepared" and ever single time I find myself frantically studying the morning of the quiz and barely passing off a respectable grade. And I hate that.
But I don't feel like I'm being lazy. Between conversation partners, applying for study abroad, my tutorship for Japanese, being an officer for JSA, it seems like actually doing the work for my classes is just filler, instead of being first priority. There are some aspects of that that say that's not such a bad thing, but I want a little more balance.
Shit, there's a lab today that's due at 5 that I haven't started yet.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Ketchup
Ugh, my whole... body hurts. This fall I joined an intramural soccer team and on Friday night we had a double-header, two back to back games, and then yesterday I participated in "Field Day" for Japan Student Association and now I can barely move. Maybe as the day goes on I'll get more limber, but even sitting in my plush office chair and typing out this entry is almost painful.
Soccer is a lot of fun, I'm terrible at it, and not much of an asset to the team, but it's fun. Actually i don't think that I've played soccer since gym class in middle school, but luckily for the me the game is pretty straight forward: Run run run run run run run run run pass the ball run run run swear as the other team makes a goal run run pass the ball run run run don't try and shoot pass the ball. As long as you've got that down, you're golden.
Today I was eating brunch in the east quad cafeteria and realized that I depend on ketchup as a staple food. There are so many foods that *require* ketchup including but not limited to:
- Any sort of fried potato.
- Actually almost any American food that's fried.
- Scrambled eggs or anything that contains scrambled eggs, such as a breakfast burrito, etc.
- Ground beef in any form
- Hot dogs, or any related sausage
- Veggie meats in any form
- Macaroni and cheese
Americans need ketchup, it's not a condiment, it's a necessity. Try and eat any of the above foods without ketchup and it's just sort of, disappointing. You try and enjoy it but you can't stop thinking "Damn I wish I had some ketchup" and then your whole meal is ruined. One of the saddest things in the world is in the cafeteria when the big box of Heinz ketchup runs out after you've already gotten your food. And the weird thing is, normally i don't pay much attention to brands, but I can tell if a ketchup is from Heinz or Hunts, and believe me the latter leaves much to be desired.
During my only free day of the week I choose to spend it watching random videos on Youtube instead of getting work done...:B
Soccer is a lot of fun, I'm terrible at it, and not much of an asset to the team, but it's fun. Actually i don't think that I've played soccer since gym class in middle school, but luckily for the me the game is pretty straight forward: Run run run run run run run run run pass the ball run run run swear as the other team makes a goal run run pass the ball run run run don't try and shoot pass the ball. As long as you've got that down, you're golden.
Today I was eating brunch in the east quad cafeteria and realized that I depend on ketchup as a staple food. There are so many foods that *require* ketchup including but not limited to:
- Any sort of fried potato.
- Actually almost any American food that's fried.
- Scrambled eggs or anything that contains scrambled eggs, such as a breakfast burrito, etc.
- Ground beef in any form
- Hot dogs, or any related sausage
- Veggie meats in any form
- Macaroni and cheese
Americans need ketchup, it's not a condiment, it's a necessity. Try and eat any of the above foods without ketchup and it's just sort of, disappointing. You try and enjoy it but you can't stop thinking "Damn I wish I had some ketchup" and then your whole meal is ruined. One of the saddest things in the world is in the cafeteria when the big box of Heinz ketchup runs out after you've already gotten your food. And the weird thing is, normally i don't pay much attention to brands, but I can tell if a ketchup is from Heinz or Hunts, and believe me the latter leaves much to be desired.
During my only free day of the week I choose to spend it watching random videos on Youtube instead of getting work done...:B
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Halloween
Sunday night, but it's not a scary one. This should be a good week, simply because I don't have to do jack shit. Yesterday I went to a party, had too much fun and ended up sleeping in until like 2 o'clock this afternoon. After that I think I got up, took a shower, and then ended up sleeping some more. What a great Halloween.
There is though, one thing that's standing in my way for tomorrow, and that's a 10 page paper for my Creative Writing class. But when it comes to creative writing, to pages really isn't all that bad, I don't think I'll have any trouble with it. There's this story I think I want to write. About a little girl who falls down a well and see's what her life would be like if it was "perfect". The whole "falling down a well" thing has been done several times before, but I really can't think of another way to make the transition. Maybe she could fall asleep outside or something...
Daylight savings time made today seem longer than usual, even though I slept through over half of the day. Today it's November 1st, I can't believe it. Soon it'll be Thanksgiving break, and then I turn 20, and then I get to go home for winter break. Right now it's not even 7, and the sky is pitch dark.
That's winter I guess...
There is though, one thing that's standing in my way for tomorrow, and that's a 10 page paper for my Creative Writing class. But when it comes to creative writing, to pages really isn't all that bad, I don't think I'll have any trouble with it. There's this story I think I want to write. About a little girl who falls down a well and see's what her life would be like if it was "perfect". The whole "falling down a well" thing has been done several times before, but I really can't think of another way to make the transition. Maybe she could fall asleep outside or something...
Daylight savings time made today seem longer than usual, even though I slept through over half of the day. Today it's November 1st, I can't believe it. Soon it'll be Thanksgiving break, and then I turn 20, and then I get to go home for winter break. Right now it's not even 7, and the sky is pitch dark.
That's winter I guess...
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